Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

It may seem shocking how men and women see the same situation differently. Although this is a very extreme example, men may sometimes be insensitive to women. I have found this is especially the case when your boyfriend does something foul and all his friends take his side. 

One time, I was at a party with my ex at the time, but we still were hooking up. I was with him the whole time at the party but the one time I left to say hi to friends he disappeared. His best friend assured me he must be around somewhere. Then a guy at the party showed me a picture, he zoomed on the face- it was my ex...with two girls on him! First of all, never put your self in the position to be pictured doing sexual acts and be safe especially at parties where there are a lot of people around. It would be a good idea to lock the door with all the technology floating around, a drunk mistake could ruin your reputation and possibly your future. 

But back to the story, while his friends did recognize that he didn't make the best decision and sympathized with me, they also congratulated him on his sexual conquest. This support from his friends may have made him feel what he did wasn't wrong when really it was definitely crossing the line. My ex, consequently wasn't  regretful, and he didn't apologize. 

I'm not suggesting to blame guy's bad actions on the fact that they are Martians, while women are Venetians and we speak different languages. Actually, some things that guys do are unforgivable, whether they think so or not. I always say to respect yourself; be aware of that line. Even he is trying to justify or make light of the situation, don't fall for it  because actions speak louder than words. When guys realize you won't play into their games, you will actually earn their respect. 

It may take you to put your foot down and leave for them to grow up and realize their mistake. If Sheila from the article stays with her husband she can pretty much guarantee he will not be faithful. It's clear that she doesn't need car advice, she needs the name of a good marriage counselor. Don't worry girls, eventually all guys grow up. And if they don't, they will get divorced; I wouldn't be surprised if John is. 

Slow & Steady Wins The Race

    Though it's finals week, I'm going to take a break to elaborate on my dear friend Zainab's words of wisdom: "Things that start fast, end fast"
    What I keep hearing time and time again- you need to slow things down in the beginning of a relationship. You need to go through the attraction phase first and then uncertainty.Otherwise you will have that doubt later on in the relationship.
           This was the case for one of my friends recently. She was lonely because she just broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to get validation from another guy. So she jumped into a relationship with one of her guy friends. Needless to say, she was freaked out about how fast they were going and they are not together now because the intentions behind it weren't genuine.
          I even help conduct research about this. My professor is studying how rejection effects  relationship interactions with people who have similiar characteristics. We are slowly finding that if you get rejected, take my friend who was broken up with by her boyfriend, you will look to strengthen NOT weaken relationships with those with similiar characteristics, which in this case was her guy friend who soon turned boyfriend.  In the case of my friend, after having rejection experiences with two guys she was left damaged and unnecessary baggage. She could have avoided this baggage by getting to know her guy friend better before deciding to jump into a relationship with him. She destroyed any possibility of hem being together, even though I thought they would be really compatible.
        
        Recently I was listening to music from my childhood and heard this lyric, "I waited for her call, she always kept me waiting. And if I ever get another chance I'de still ask her to dance because she kept me waiting", in Blink 182's song, Rock Show. I think art imitates life. That's why I urge my friends to fully get to know the guy they are interested in before they become exclusive and then start to date.

        There are a lot of things that may come up the longer you know the person. Some people lay it all on the line in the beginning, like this one guy I met recently who talked about getting arrested the first time we met....huge red flag! But most people present their best selves first and then their inner demons come later. On many levels it is good to know the person well so you know if they have an issues, how to handle them, and if you're even willing to handle them or would rather find someone else.
           I have a guideline for knowing when you know the person well enough to move on to the next level. It is safe to assume you can date if you know the person's family structure (how many brothers/sisters they have, if their parents are divorced/together, how their parents treated them while growing up), how they deal with conflict (do they like to be alone, talk about it), if they are generally a stubborn or easy going person, and if you know enough about their past relationships (if they are ready to jump into a new one or are still hurting from a past experience and whether or not they've ever been love, the degree of seriousness in these relationships). If you know these, you can detect any red flags.
            Make sure you acknowledge red flags and you don't just want to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I see some people who love the idea of someone but don't actually love them. Love is when you can appreciate someone for who they really are which requires you to know them well. When you appreciate someone for who they are as a person, you can recognize that even their flaws make them who they are. Dating and exclusivity are the foundations for love and relationships so make sure you have a strong foundation before you build a house and get to know someone to some extent, if you plan on dating them.

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"What's a gorgeous girl like you doing with a schmuck like me?"

                              Why Some Pretty Girls Date Seemingly Unattractive Guys

       We've all seen it from the MTV show, "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" to that sorority president on campus holding hands with some scruffy GDI (unaffiliated with Greek life). So I wanted to investigate why this happens all the time, during my quest I talked to some of my friends who are totally out of their boyfriends' league to get to the bottom of the issue. There were a few common reasons that are both interesting and surprising.
       The girls I'm referring to are independant, self-assured, and could get any guy they want but still would choose the not so polished guy who would be a more caring and devoted boyfriend any day over the cocky jock whose looks are pretty much the only thing he has to offer. SInce these guys haven't been able to rely on their looks to get guys, they needed to develop values and positive behavior in order to attract girls and stand out in the sea of gelled hair. So when you look at them on the surface they may be less than impressive but when you stop judging books by their covers you might be surprised to find a respectful, more consciencious guy lying underneath who is very impressive.
       Also, having a not-so cute boyfriend leaves you less to worry about. Not only have they demonstrated their honesty and loyalty to catch the babe in the first place, but they will be more faithful simply due to lack of options. Guys like this are comforting because their partners can safely conduct their lives as normal and thereby make their partners more attracted to them and eventually more devoted to them by maintaining the health of their relationships. Evolutionarily, women are more concerned with relationships compared to men, who are more concerned with power and competition. Since these women have less to worry about, they also have less to compete over and it would cause less strain on their relationships with other women.
        Conversely, since the guy knows he has a grade catch, he will try harder to treat his girlfriend well in order to keep her, because he knows she has no lack of options. This is good for guys because like I previously stated, they are very competitive in nature and power driven. Power gives guys a sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction and having that trophy wife may be just as valuable as being a CEO or winning the Stanley Cup. So ladies, you have to make your man work for it, AND BETTER YET act like that grade A catch and it will only be a matter of time before you morph into her. From my favorite book, Why Men Like Bitched, "sex appeal is half what you got and half what others think you got." Good guys are harder to snag than you think because they are usually in relationships, they know they have what women want, so they tend to picky looks wise. Make sure you're not picking the low hanging "attractive tool" wormed apples but instead climb past the surface to the highest branch and pick that "good guy" apple, you might be pleasantly surprised.

P.S. yes, I am quite the fan of the under dog

Hooking Up: Keeping It Casual

Hooking up is a new social trend probably due factors such as: people are getting married later on average,  and now women are putting their careers first more and more which makes them more able to provide for themselves than before. Hooking up defined would be a non-committal relationship involving sexual acts, usually sexual intercourse.


There are many reasons why a hook-up set up may work for you. It allows to keep your options open at all times and be able to take advantage of every possible option if you wish. In fact, college has the most single people concentrated in one place, once you graduate and are in the job market it will be a lot harder to meet people and young professionals must often resort to online dating sites to meet people. So taking advantage of being in college and being open to all kinds of people, even the ones you wouldn't consider dating is a smart decision.


Since everyone has needs, this is a way to fulfill those without feeling emotionally vulnerable.  Most college students are simply busy and can't commit to a relationship but hooking up would be a convenient, fit option. Also, this way you can put yourself first and you don't necessarily have to consider someone's else needs


Keys to Keeping It Casual:


1.) Limit emotional attachment- don't hold hands, talk about your family too much. Don't be yourself, be your best self....don't lay it all on the line.


2.) Respect yourself- make as much time for them as they do for you. Don't always be available and don't hang out to the point where you are neglecting your responsibilities.


3.) Separate them from your life- you need to be ready to fold at any point so you have to again, keep your distance. Don't introduce them to your parents or all your friends, and be careful hooking up with people in your circle of friends, in your classes, or that you live near that may end up turning into an awkward situation if it ends.


4.) Take things a day at a time- Because you're not committed it can end anytime, in college hook-ups generally end with the semester to leave new options for break.


But be careful you are ready for this type of relationship, there is a thin line between hooking up and dating and some people can't separate them so you have to shield yourself from internalizing it. The set-up doesn't work for everyone at any given time, especially people who take rejection personally, or someone who went through a break-up easily. You can't expect to get a relationship out of it, you have to be able to see where it goes so you don't get rejected if things don't work out. Don't settle for a hook-up when you are really hoping to start a relationship. Be honest with yourself and don't do it if you feel uncomfortable. And remember it's not hygenic or safe to have sexual relations with more than one person at once so try to be monogamous with your hook-up.

Commitment to CONTINENCE

Today one of my lovely friends, Jenna, asked me what I could not do without and the first thing that came to my mind was sex. Then I stopped to think, maybe it could be a bad thing to turn sex into an indispensable activity. So, naturally, I wanted to ask my sister, Christina, who’s been practicing continence, partly due to her yoga practice, to “enlighten” me on the subject. 
              She said the thing that started it was her yoga teacher-training program, but before that she had a typical college-aged sex life. Since yoga encompasses all facets of life, far beyond the physical workout, the students in the program were taught and encouraged to practice different "sutras" each week, like honesty, non-stealing, non-violence, and continence, or "self-restraint or abstinence, esp. in regard to sexual activity; temperance; moderation." The importance of celibacy was stressed as a means of conserving energy and seminal fluid which could otherwise get stored and then turned into "prana," or lifeforce. The frequent expellation of seminal fluid can actually leave you drained of energy physically and emotionally- males are advised to evaluate the frequency of their..."intimate alone time". In women, frequent sexual intercourse can drain the energy needed to nurture and have good relationships. The metaphor she used was that “only a fully charged battery can give power, not a drained one.”
              Another good point was made: if sex was necessary for love then how could a brother and sister or a mother and son love eachother?
                There is still love in the absence of sex. Yoga stresses the importance of always acting with kindness and love, but also of moderating the physical show of love in the form of sex. The ideal situation is the madly in love couple that is married and wants to have children, but this scenario may also be archaic these days. What is important is to share the experience with someone truly special. Especially for the female, the act of intercourse is invasive, and only the extremely well qualified should be allowed entry. The well-known sexual philosophy called tantric sex focuses on a union between a man and women that harnesses energy instead of expending it.
            In fact, she said that the absence of sex has created energy to do more things for herself and change her priorities. Through her yoga training, she started having less time to party and meet boys, which naturally enabled experimentation with continence. And it has enabled her to appreciate and respect herself more; she no longer wanted to give herself to just anyone. I expressed how I thought people glamorized sex to be this great and “cool” thing it isn’t, but she elaborated that by it becoming commercially glamourized and everyone doing it, it actually de-valued the act. Sex should be a significant spiritual connection.
                   When you make your body available to someone you don't even care about, you may feel remorse and it will be further emphasized by a depletionof the most important thing: life force or volition. Christina is looking forward to having that spiritual and explosive sexual connection with a man, but until then she is enjoying just getting to know people on a plutonic basis, no strings attached.It has been incredibly rewarding, fulfilling, and helpful to her. When paired with the yoga practice, it has led her to be more in shape, mentally calm, more scholarly and generally more open to experience. Now, feeling lighter and more enlightened, I am motivated to give this one a shot.

SATC: Carrie as the EGO Sam as the ID and Charlotte as the SUPEREGO

The idea that the psycho-analytic structure of the mind could be represented by the characters of the HBO series, "Sex and the City" was suggested by my instructor for Counseling Psychology at UMD. The theory proposed seemed a little odd but I heard her out she explained their roles as:….

* Samantha (most left) as the ID: Samantha is driven by her instinctive primal needs and urges whether they be sexual or power driven even aggressive, she is a woman who gets what she wants.

* Charlotte (most right) as the SUPER EGO: which is concerned with moral fulfillment as well as cultural and family standards. Charlotte is in a hurry to get married and doesn’t want to end up an old maid so she impulsively accepted Trey’s proposal and ended up with a sexual performance issue, a fat divorce, oh but at least she ended up with that Park Ave. apartment, there is justice, or maybe karma.

* Carrie (third from left) as the EGO: She is the reality principle balancing both “angel,” innocent Charlotte and “devil,” promiscuous, bold Samantha. But she still has both on her shoulder keeping her in check, letting her occasionally indulge in lustful impulses like cheating on wonderful Aiden with a lost love, Big but she finally makes Charlotte proud when she decides to take the plunge into tying the knot with Big in the movie.

Perfect Perk-up Blood Orange Drink

I know this is pretty unconventional but just to mix things up I want to share with you a new creation of mine, it's like a "blood orange" drink. First I sliced a pomegranate in half, and juiced it in a citrus juicer, then I juiced one orange on top and it turns into this fun Sex On The Beach type drink. How easy is that? and I found it to be quite the perk-up on this blah winter afternoon with winter session class studying awaiting me. Hmmm maybe I'll try it in sangria over the weekend...

Sometimes bad relationships go on because of good sex:

This is a somewhat common problem because being intimate with a partner creates attachment, not only for the women but for the men too. Since sex is a basic need, it’s fulfillment may seem more obvious or pressing than deeper emotional and intellectual needs. But all three are necessary for a full, significant love. If your relationship is based on simply lust, that is a warning sign for turbulence ahead. In a situation like this, it is hard to look at the situation from an outside, objective perspective because of the sexual attachment, but you must do so and when you do you will see the lack of significant connection. A relationship like this is by no means a bad thing, as long as you know what you want. A lot of my girlfriends get placed in these situations seemingly without their consent but their problem was getting involved with him in the first place. If you are looking for an exclusive hook-up buddy this may be sufficient for you; but don’t be in a relationship that isn’t working because of the sex, there’s more where that came from.

Sometimes good relationships end early because of bad sex:

To overcome this challenge, you must first identify the cause of the absence or lack of quality in sex. Sometimes the issue is low sex drive which can be hormonal/biological or due to stress or emotional strains. Unlike popular belief, people who cheat sometimes, don’t always show a decrease in libido, because the source of the infidelity may be emotional or intellectual. Other times, it is because a lack of communication. If you feel shy to discuss sexual issues with your partner, you may have to reevaluate your openness and honesty with your partner, you shouldn’t ever feel ashamed to express what you like, don’t like, and fantasize about. Being open in communication will not only bring you closer, and improve the sex. Sex is a learned and socialized thing and it is not set in stone, if your partner is bad you can always fix it.

The Origins of Seduction- Casanova’s Story

I welcome my guest blogger, who goes by Ice (because he's really good at breaking the ice) who shed light on the life of Casanova after reading his memoir called, "The Story of My Life." Although in present day there are many player, pick up artists or seducers, none of them can boast that they have a 100% clean record like Giacomo Casanova who is considered to the greatest lover of women with over a hundred sexual conquests in his lifetime. None the less, his immersion into the world of seduction, love, and games was learned when he was played by his host sister, Batina. In a span of several months, she played the infamous game that many today are acquainted with in the world of dating, or at that time, courting. She consumed his thoughts with burning desire, and constant thoughts of her, just like in modern day men would be consumed with thoughts of women they adore and admire. Nonetheless, Casanova was fortunate to get back with Batina, when she was plaqued by an illness that put sores all over her face, and he effectively turned the table on her because now that she was ugly, he had the power. After all this torture Casanova came to learn women’s guil or cleverness when it come to games. He didn’t take things for face value and he became more conscious and aware which led to his gradual confidence and charisma that his exploits are known for.

This serves to show that even the greatest have to fall- at least once. The point was further proven in the movie, The Ugly Truth, where the main character Mike Chadway was a crass, arrogant player in the love game. He told it “how it is” and did not sugar coat anything, making the trails and tribulations of love seem trivial and boiled down to the fact that men will only like you for your looks, and they will only stick around if you’re not a bother. He ruled out any stipulations of love saying it was a manufactured construct only available in romance novels and women’s imaginations. He dispels love saying women only look for the utopian man, from the example in the movie, Katherine Hiegel’s checklist. He says women don’t fall in love with men they fall in love with you perfectly manicured resumes and the careful venal decisions they make in life. Saying women would trade “money over substance, looks over soul, and polish over principle”. So don’t be afraid to fall and get hurt, it’s better to learn trail by fire than to accept it and move on. Have an open mind, don’t be attached to the outcome because that first fall is the open door to seduction possibility and you need to experience it in order to learn. And women, this may explain why men can be so harsh and cold as a 23 year old man, Danny said, "Men commit to women on an emotional level at an earlier age. most men I know that they loved their first girlfriend. but when she broke their heart, they decided not to go through the pain again."

The Answer to All Your Problems

One of the hardest thing I encounter being Ms. Date Guru is people coming up to me expecting me to have the perfect answer. That is the predicament many psychologists face during their careers. What people don’t know is they have to come to the answer themselves. Because, regardless of my expertise if I tell someone to do something they don’t want to do, they won’t do it. A lot of people know the right answer, but it’s hard to swallow. Often times you don’t want to do the right thing because they are too tough. Because like the old adage says, “No one said it would be easy, they merely said it would be worth it.”

Another thing is people complain that things are easier said than done. That is harder to practice than to preach but first come thoughts and then come actions. Quoting one of my favorite books, How to Make Friends and influence People, “Action seems to follow feeling but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not. “ I feel like that pretty much summarizes people’s problems with changing their behavior or actions. Many think that they have to change their thoughts or feelings first and often fail because that is very hard to do. First, you must change your actions or behavior and that will lead to the right feelings and mind set. Like I tell many of my friends and confidants, “Fake it ‘till you make it.” If you don’t think you’re special enough to be treated well, you won’t earn that treatment and therefore will be disrespected by friends and lovers alike.

And going along with that, one has to be able to picture what they want in order to get it. Take the classic unrequited love example say you have a crush on the most popular boy or a teen idol. Of course you don’t have the slightest chance with them because you put them at such a high pedestal and I’m betting many women have had these crushes and not acted on them because they thought they were so far off. Well the girls who end up dating the most popular guy and the cocktail waitresses that end up dating Michael Phelps don’t see them as an untouchable celebrity, in fact they think, this guy should be lucky to have me, and the men end up believing it. And take it from me, the attitude tweak really does work, it may sound hard or counter-productive but think it and in time, the change will come.

What Not to Say After a Hook-up:

      While on the bus from NYC earlier this week I spoke to a man, let’s just call him the “One Night Wonder”, who has a lot of experience with hook-ups (hence the name). I found him to be a rare breed of man who’s longest relationship was 2 months- you know what I’m thinking- commit-a-phobe! I mentioned my blog to him and he asked me to let all my loyal readers know about one thing not to say after a hook-up:

“did we have sex last night?”

     Now, I know a lot of you honestly don’t know this but the worst thing to do is to let the guy know that you were blackout during sex. The first step is to look around for a used condom- that’s a sure sign that you had an intimate night. Note: Guys pretty much always remember sex (because usually the machinery malfunctions if they are blackout), so letting him know that you don’t remember can be pretty hurtful. As soon as they hear that they wonder if they took advantage of you, if you’re not interested in him, and, above all, what a mess of a girl you are.

       So don’t let them in on that you don’t remember and save what little dignity you have left (harsh, but true). If you’re concerned about protection and safety, well, girlfriend, you shouldn’t have gotten drunk to the point of losing memory! Women regret hook-ups more than men, so just keep that in mind when you make your hook-up decisions (there are such things as beer goggles you know). Also, some men may see flirting and friendliness as an open invitation of hooking up- especially if it’s over a night of heavy drinking- so make sure you’re not sending mixed messages. And be careful not to stick around one guy’s side all night, guys take that as a strong invitation as well.

      If you find yourself in this sticky predicament there are two paths out of it. If you know the guy, and are interested in him, you should initiate another hook-up in the morning (a wake-up call). This can be a test to see how far you took it the night before and to redeem yourself by asserting yourself as an independent, confident, sexual woman. This will take away any doubt in his head that it was uncalled for. Yes, guys really do care about this and would feel hurt to learn that they took advantage of someone. Most guys think a girl is fine if they hook-up with her. For most guys (and I stress most) the cardinal rule is not to hook-up with a super drunk girl- but a lot of times the line between drunk and just tipsy is blurry.

       The second possibility is waking up to someone you aren't too familiar with, and aren't to comfortable now waking up next to. In this case, just smile politely, put on your clothes and get the hell out. You may have to hear it from your friends later, but what's done is done and you should probably think about how to avoid this happening again. To save face it’s best to not ask the guy about sex, but you can if you really want to. Of course, you’re taking the risk of hearing a lie. The true lesson is that no girl with much respect for herself should be getting drunk to the point of not remembering sex- sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties! Take care of yourselves girls!

Birthdays

This blog is dedicated to Mike Gustafson on his 21^st birthday! Why is it that girls make birthdays such a bigger deal than guys do? Except for the standard 21 and 18 birthdays, guys really don’t care about birthdays. They don’t count down like girls do, they don’t throw annual lavish parties like girls do, and they don’t get each other gifts like girls do. So guys if you only did one small thing for your girl, giving her the VIP treatment on her birthday should be it. Not only will you make her feel like a princess and earn a lot of brownie points with her but you’ll also impress her friends and family so spotlight’s on her for her special day.

So I speculated reasons as to why it may be more important for girls than guys. To understand, you must first know what a birthday is, it means you’re getting one year older so some may see them as getting one year closer to death. Since guys are concerned with achievement more so than girls, they see birthdays this way, like a warning: you have one year less to do everything you aim to do. But girls, who give birth see birthdays as a celebration of life. They are more dear to us because most of us in the future will provide someone with a birthday, something only unique to women, as opposed to the other aspects of parenting that both parents share. We like to celebrate life because most women outlive men so we must embrace that and throw celebrations for ourselves because as we get older there will less men and immediate family in our lives to celebrate with. After all, every girl wants to be the leading lady of their own lives and there’s no better time to play the part than on her birthday.

In addition, girls pay more attention to interpersonal interactions and relationships so that’s why they like to share and celebrate their birthdays with people while boys more value achievement and strength and look down upon showing emotions, so sharing birthdays isn’t as important.

Attention FHA (Future Husbands of America lol Stacey): In order to give her the VIP treatment every princess deserves on her birthday you should do any/all of the following: including but not limited to a heart-felt card (buying a card doesn’t count make sure you write a personal message-no short cuts on her birthday), chocolates or some baked goods, something for pleasure she would enjoy whether it be fluffy and cute, some music she like (mixed CDs are great), a book for the intellectual girls out there, and/or some type of jewelry (I would suggest bracelets, it’s really hard to pick a hideous one).

Don’t worry girls, you don’t have to do much to please your man on his birthday, just making a cake or surprising him with a sexy outfit will do. Now celebrate away!

Love Shyness

Love shyness is a real disorder that’s affecting many social phobic college-age men. love-shy people find it close to impossible to assert themselves in social situations in romantic and sexual encounters with the opposite sex, although they may be fairly comfortable in friendly situations because f the large amount of social anxiety (that something bad will happen).

It’s a real issue: love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5% of American males and will prevent about 1.7 million U.S. males from ever marrying or experiencing intimate sexual contact with women!

People effected with love shyness are usually characterized by the following:

You are an adult male

You have never, or very rarely had girlfriends

You have never, or very rarely had sex

You have remained single while all your friends dated and got married

You are so inhibited by your fear of asking a woman for a date that you never do

- Wikipedia

Causes may be due to bullying in school due to their shyness and inhibition so they may have fragile self-esteems and egos, making them strong targets. Another cause may parental upbringing, where they might have been abused whether verbally or physically, negative comparisons, or plain indifference. This may cause the love shy male to build a shell around to protect himself and further isolating himself. They may even avoid social situations with their peers as well the opposite sex; making this a “vicious cycle” inhibiting further social interactions. And a good friend of mine, “The only way to break a continuous cycle is by some kind of external force.” That force is change, you need to be eased in to force to change your habits

The DENNIS System

Recently when I was watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I saw this episode on the DENNIS System. Now for those who don’t know, the Dennis system stands for: 

D: Demonstrate Your Value (catch her attention with something impressive or nice) 

E: Engage Physically (without taking the girl on a date) 

N: Nurture Dependence like making her depend on your fictional angry neighbor that’s bothering her) 

N: Neglect Emotionally (Like not taking her phone calls, frightening her. Subsequently, it will make clingy questions self esteem) 

I: Inspire Hope (Which will make it that much harder when you break it off) 

S: Separate Entirely (because she would take you back anytime)

        It made me think: are Guys are delusional? They try to make these complex systematic strategies to win girls hearts. These are present not only on comedies but in real life. Think about that wing man, or what about the nice guy that swoops in after a girl gets her heart broken by an insensitive prick. I think most girls can agree that the only sure fire way to get a girl is to be your (best) self, be charming, and act like a gentleman. Try to get to know the girl and being funny is a plus because it diffuses any tension or awkwardness. As I always say, the best pick up like is introducing yourself and using casual humor. But I gave the DENNIS system a make-over, follow this DENNIS system and you will have girls swooning over you:

D: Demonstrate Good Character (Don't be shady, girls respect qualities in guys like consistent, hardworking, dedicated)

E: Engage in Conversation (Get to know her and make sure the conversation isn't one sided)

N: No Means No (respect her intentions to take it slow)

N: Never Lie (In order to build trust with her)

I: Initiate Making Plans (That will let her know you're interested)

S: Slow and Steady Wins the Race (if you want something solid, you should take it slow)

All the guys out there please note: I wouldn’t advise getting your dating advice from a sitcom.

How to Fight Fair

The ultimate goal of fighting is conflict resolution. To do this effectively you must make it a discussion and avoid getting emotional, angry or defensive. When people get emotional in arguments, someone ends up feeling like they’re not being heard and you can end up creating more problems. We all yearn for validation, recognition and respect so you can’t be defensive. The key to fighting fair is saying what you mean and hopefully the following tips can help.

The best possible tips I can suggest is using behavior descriptions and XYZ statements. I guarantee it will SIGNIFICANTLY improve most communication struggles and relationship issues. If you take away one idea from this post, make it this and use it always to diffuse negativity in arguments. Make sure you identify specifically what bothered you and make sure to focus on discrete, manageable behaviors that can be readily changed vs. attacking your partner’s character. An XYZ statement is “When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z” make sure you use the past tense and avoid things like “you never” or “you always”.

1. Gather all possible info.
Don’t make any accusations or assumptions. As a general guideline only talk about things that are concrete, not open-ended. And there’s no disagreement about someone’s feelings- they are facts. You can’t argue that your partner feels a certain way.

2. Set time limit for good intentions.
I know this one might not sound practical but just have a general idea of how long you will talk BEFORE you start the conversation. Usually, people get emotional about 15 or 20 minutes in so you should try to make your argument about that long. It may be helpful to talk during a show (from one commercial break to the next) or while your putting the dishes/laundry away. Distracting yourself by doing a task while you’re talking will prevent you from getting into a heated argument but make sure you’re being sensitive to what your partner is saying. Some people that are married find that having a scheduled time to air out issues works best for them but make sure you don't bottle up your feelings and talk about issues in a timely fashion.

3. Focus on the issue NOT past problems.
Time and time again I hear from friends that they have the same argument over and over. This isn’t productive the point of a fight is conflict resolution, if you fight about the same things you failed at resolving conflict. You must figure out something to do about and then drop the issue. Don’t bring up past conflicts into new arguments, constantly holding something against someone will make them feel attacked and again prompt them to protect their self-image and be defensive.

4. Don’t try to change something that is impossible to change.
You have to be realistic some things about people are at the core of their personality or are things they really like about themselves which you can’t change.

5. Don’t start a fight that can’t be finished.
If you know you don’t have much time to chat, you should “plan” a better time to do so. Your partner wants to be validated and recognized so show you care about what they have to say. People are more likely to argue when they are hungry or tired so avoid a bad situation by picking a better time. Wanting to be able and ready for a discussion also shows you respect your partner.

6. Argue in private.
If you have an issue magnifying it by bringing it up in public will only make it worst. It’s damaging to someone’s ego to be yelled at and it’s especially demeaning to guys. Plus, airing out your grievances in public just makes you look less solid as a couple.
7. If both parties participate.
This is self-explanatory, don’t ignore your partner or walk away it takes 2 to tango. Unhappy couples don’t hear each other and barely check understanding.

8. Be aware of your body language
When people fight sometimes they have the tendency to show aggressive body language, which puts others on the defensive. That’s what we want to avoid. Doing things like turning away, leaning back, averting your gaze, being less animated while talking, and having a less pleasant facial expression can give the impression that you don’t care and may leave your partner hurt. Obviously it’s hard to control for all these things but just be aware of the non-verbal signals you’re sending. Also, when people get angry they tend to clench their fists or breath heavily. Taking some (6) deep breaths will help because it lowers your heart rate and you need a fast heart rate to be angry.

9. Identify realistic goals.
This goes along with identifying specific behaviors. You must come up with a solution to the problem that you both are happy with. Some issues are deep rooted in your partner’s personality and may signify incompatibility, you should recognize these issues early and know they can’t be changed. The best solution is usually a compromise.

Avoid:
• Mind-reading: wrongly assuming you know what your partner is saying INSTEAD engage in active listening by para-phrasing what they said to check understanding. It shows that you care about understanding how they feel and are willing to work it out. People that perceive unpleasant motives are more unhappy in their relationships.

• Interrupting: Respect your partner by hearing out what they have to say

• Cross-complaining: This is when you respond to a complaint with another (sometimes even unrelated) complaint. Instead rephrase the complaint and ask the person how they felt for calmer discussion.

• Off beam Wandering: Happens when you don’t stay on a problem long enough to resolve it, usually bringing up another problem. To avoid this try talking out one issue at a time.

• Criticism & Contempt: attack your partner’s personality and character and shows aggressiveness and disrespect. Includes insults, mockery and hostile humor

• Defensiveness: When people prevent themselves from unreasonable attack. It doesn’t address the problem and when fighting the RIGHT way, this isn’t present.

• Stone walling: Withdrawing into silence or ignoring your partner.

• Belligerence: Is destructive, aggressive and rejecting. Instead be respectful and polite

• Crying: It shifts the blame from the actual issue. If you get to this point, you failed at controlling your emotions which is essential for conflict resolution and you will leave your partner feeling more angry or guilty and doesn’t solve the problem in any way.

But DO: say what you mean without attacking
• Stay polite and cool: Avoiding the temptation to act hostile towards your partner by sending clear messages and listening better

• Sarcastic people should establish a "non-sarcastic self" in disagreements, making snide, funny remarks will add insult to injury in fights and may appear insensitive. There is a time and place to joke around and fighting is not one of them.

• I statements: describe how you feel instead of attacking your partner for something.

• The power of respect and recognition: It can make disagreements more tolerable.

The Nesting Weight Phenomena

Some of my friends have expressed their concerns about nesting weight, a phenomena that happens once you’re comfortable and settled in a relationship. I noticed this is very common for women and men but why does it happen? The importance of looks are undeniably related to attraction and interest at the start of a relationship so why is it that we would let our looks wither possibly forfeiting that initial attraction? I gained some insight on the issue studying for my interpersonal relationships midterm. Note that the main reason for husband marital dissatisfaction and a big cause of divorce is because the wife “let herself go”. Looks are more important to men in relationships from an evolutionary standpoint while power and resources are most important to women so it makes sense that it would bother men more than women. It also makes sense that since it’s not as big of a concern for women that they would fall prey to this happening.

Well this seems to be common, in fact most people put on weight after they get married, and it happens to both partners. In close relationships, we tend to go to less trouble to maintain favorable images of ourselves to our intimate partner than others. This is because we already know our friends and lovers like us and there is less we can do to change their deep rooted opinions of us. This relates to looks because we give our partners the benefit of the doubt that they wouldn’t care about superficial things such as looks. This can be a good thing because it shows we are very comfortable with our partner but it can be bad because it causes “un-attraction”.

We are motivated to pay attention to our looks when we’re single and trying to attract a mate but it seems after we have one, there is no longer a purpose of maintaining our appearance unless it’s for our own well being. But more importantly it’s necessary in order to preserve the relationship. Noting your partner’s lifestyle can help you predict the likelihood of this happening- if it’s important to you.

Also if it’s important to you, your partner should care enough to make you happy by maintaining their appearance. But your lifestyle can also rub off on your partner and visa versa, so with this issue it’s best to practice what you preach and lead by example. If you make healthy dinners and encourage exercise obviously your partner will follow suit. We usually pair off with people that are similar attractiveness as us so if your partner is bulking up/slimming down you tend to naturally mimic them. But, correcting the nesting weight together can bring you even closer, not to mention the sexual benefits that come from it. Because after all, the couples that gains/losses weight stays together.

Say No To Self-Doubt

Have you or any one you know ever felt suspicious that your partner may be interested in someone else? Have you ever accused your significant other for cheating without any proof just because you have a feeling? Or has a partner ever acted dishonest and made you question their loyalty even when everything between you was going great? I can almost guarantee this has happened to you before or at least you have had friends dealing with these types of issues. Have you ever thought that the root of these feelings could be low self esteem?

I recently learned about a psychological theory of self-esteem called the “Sociometer Theory” proposed by a Dr. Leary in 2006 in my Couple’s Relationships Class. It basically states that the quality of your relationships with others affects your self-esteem because when others like you, you like yourself. This makes self-esteem a psychological gauge that alerts you of increasing/declining acceptance by others which can make you like yourself more or less respectively. Women generally have higher levels of feminine (expressive) traits and lower levels of masculine (instrumental) traits, while not in all cases. But masculine traits make people feel competent and effective so naturally having low levels of this trait while making you more emotionally expressive and compassionate, can make you feel more reliant and less able to problem solve thereby lowering your self-esteem. So don’t fret, it’s in women’s nature to feel this way, that’s why the most happy and well-adjusted men and woman have a both instrumental and expressive traits. Just knowing that we are biologically more likely to feel this way makes one feel better about themselves and more able to be proactive to change their self-esteem. 

People with low self-esteems tend to sabotage relationships by: perceiving disregard when it doesn’t exist, being pessimistic that love will last, distancing themselves, and reacting more strongly to their partners’ faults compared to people with high self-esteems who don’t have these subconsciously sabotaging tendencies. Hmm this sounds all too familiar to me because I have dealt with dozens of girls that have sabotaged their relationships unknowingly one way or another. People with high self-esteem are confident of their partners’ love and regard for them so they draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. We take risks when we are in relationships because we have to depend on others. People with low self-esteems are fearful of rejection and hurt because of self-doubt so they withdraw from partners in times of difficulty in order to protect their ego. This is a very important effect of self-esteem because a marked quality of a good relationship is working through your problems by communicating effectively together, this doesn’t happen when a partner with low-esteem withdraws.

But what I realized about this theory is that it goes both ways, not only can you read the gauge, but you can use the knowledge of the gauge to improve your self-esteem by improving your relationships with others. So do what I tell all my friends to do, “fake it until you make it.” Referring to my favorite book, Why Men Love Bitches, the easiest way to draw all your partner’s attention to a possible threat is by acknowledging it and acting intimidated by them; this will make them look 5 times hotter. The better route is being secure in yourself and knowing how amazing and special you are so that your partner feels that much more happy to have you; and an added bonus is it will prevent your partner from straying. Just knowing that low self-esteem causes behaviors that ruin relationships can help you prevent from engaging in them, thereby strengthening your relationship and your self-esteem. Win-win right?

Hooking Up in Sex and the City

I wrote this for my colleague, Rachel Russo's blog who is another aspiring psychologist's blog called the It Girl Blog. This is month she is having Sex and the City Theme Month check it out at: www.loverachelrussomft.com

One of the reasons why Sex and the City created such a buzz and generated such a loyal and devoted following was because it was the first show to introduce and even glorify the hook-up culture. People were introduced to this shift in our dating culture. A combination of events in the past 50 years have led to this new cultural embracement of hooking up (social phenomena). The advent of the birth control pill led to the promiscuity of the 70’s; and now people are getting married later. The average age that people marry is 26 for women and 27 for men, so now it is more and more acceptable to be intimate with a person if you’re not married or exclusive. Hooking up is a very broad term, as I’ve found when trying to pin down the exact definition on urbandictonary.com. But the hooking up I’m talking about is the practice of engaging in sexual relations (all the way from kissing to sex) without a commitment or sense of exclusivity.

The Characters of SATC, especially Samantha Jones, glorified hooking up and made women feel more accepted doing it. They showed that hooking up isn’t slutty, but rather being confident in exuding your sexuality. Samantha can definitely hold her own in her male-dominated PR field and as she climbed up the corporate ladder she showed us that being assertive can get you what you want. as she climbed up the corporate ladder. Samantha was never concerned with what other people thought, as she always came first, even at the end when she chose herself over her boyfriend, Smith Jared. Independence and self-confidence embody the hook-up culture because they allow women to see that it’s okay to satisfy their every need and desire whether it be physically, emotionally, romantically, socially, or professionally. This shift? may be this is the after-effect of the women’s rights movement.

While SATC had an undeniable influence on our society’s perception of sex and the loosening up on relationship norms, it created the greater acceptance of the independent (single)women lifestyle. So what’s next? I definitely have been noticing a narrowing of the double standard. My Couple’s Relationships teacher, Professor Rubin, recently mentioned in my Couple’s Relationships class that only 60% of men and 41% of women 50 years ago (65 and over) had sexual relations before the age of 18. But now, 91% of men ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18 and 83% of women ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18. That is a significant 35% increase in just 50 years! These changes really reflect our societal expectations. Our societal restrictions have been loosened, making hooking up more acceptable. I have been living and learning from the stories of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte and if they taught me anything it’s that hooking up is okay and it can help me on my way to finding love.