Though it's finals week, I'm going to take a break to elaborate on my dear friend Zainab's words of wisdom: "Things that start fast, end fast"
What I keep hearing time and time again- you need to slow things down in the beginning of a relationship. You need to go through the attraction phase first and then uncertainty.Otherwise you will have that doubt later on in the relationship.
This was the case for one of my friends recently. She was lonely because she just broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to get validation from another guy. So she jumped into a relationship with one of her guy friends. Needless to say, she was freaked out about how fast they were going and they are not together now because the intentions behind it weren't genuine.
I even help conduct research about this. My professor is studying how rejection effects relationship interactions with people who have similiar characteristics. We are slowly finding that if you get rejected, take my friend who was broken up with by her boyfriend, you will look to strengthen NOT weaken relationships with those with similiar characteristics, which in this case was her guy friend who soon turned boyfriend. In the case of my friend, after having rejection experiences with two guys she was left damaged and unnecessary baggage. She could have avoided this baggage by getting to know her guy friend better before deciding to jump into a relationship with him. She destroyed any possibility of hem being together, even though I thought they would be really compatible.
Recently I was listening to music from my childhood and heard this lyric, "I waited for her call, she always kept me waiting. And if I ever get another chance I'de still ask her to dance because she kept me waiting", in Blink 182's song, Rock Show. I think art imitates life. That's why I urge my friends to fully get to know the guy they are interested in before they become exclusive and then start to date.
There are a lot of things that may come up the longer you know the person. Some people lay it all on the line in the beginning, like this one guy I met recently who talked about getting arrested the first time we met....huge red flag! But most people present their best selves first and then their inner demons come later. On many levels it is good to know the person well so you know if they have an issues, how to handle them, and if you're even willing to handle them or would rather find someone else.
I have a guideline for knowing when you know the person well enough to move on to the next level. It is safe to assume you can date if you know the person's family structure (how many brothers/sisters they have, if their parents are divorced/together, how their parents treated them while growing up), how they deal with conflict (do they like to be alone, talk about it), if they are generally a stubborn or easy going person, and if you know enough about their past relationships (if they are ready to jump into a new one or are still hurting from a past experience and whether or not they've ever been love, the degree of seriousness in these relationships). If you know these, you can detect any red flags.
Make sure you acknowledge red flags and you don't just want to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I see some people who love the idea of someone but don't actually love them. Love is when you can appreciate someone for who they really are which requires you to know them well. When you appreciate someone for who they are as a person, you can recognize that even their flaws make them who they are. Dating and exclusivity are the foundations for love and relationships so make sure you have a strong foundation before you build a house and get to know someone to some extent, if you plan on dating them.
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