Say No To Self-Doubt

Have you or any one you know ever felt suspicious that your partner may be interested in someone else? Have you ever accused your significant other for cheating without any proof just because you have a feeling? Or has a partner ever acted dishonest and made you question their loyalty even when everything between you was going great? I can almost guarantee this has happened to you before or at least you have had friends dealing with these types of issues. Have you ever thought that the root of these feelings could be low self esteem?

I recently learned about a psychological theory of self-esteem called the “Sociometer Theory” proposed by a Dr. Leary in 2006 in my Couple’s Relationships Class. It basically states that the quality of your relationships with others affects your self-esteem because when others like you, you like yourself. This makes self-esteem a psychological gauge that alerts you of increasing/declining acceptance by others which can make you like yourself more or less respectively. Women generally have higher levels of feminine (expressive) traits and lower levels of masculine (instrumental) traits, while not in all cases. But masculine traits make people feel competent and effective so naturally having low levels of this trait while making you more emotionally expressive and compassionate, can make you feel more reliant and less able to problem solve thereby lowering your self-esteem. So don’t fret, it’s in women’s nature to feel this way, that’s why the most happy and well-adjusted men and woman have a both instrumental and expressive traits. Just knowing that we are biologically more likely to feel this way makes one feel better about themselves and more able to be proactive to change their self-esteem. 

People with low self-esteems tend to sabotage relationships by: perceiving disregard when it doesn’t exist, being pessimistic that love will last, distancing themselves, and reacting more strongly to their partners’ faults compared to people with high self-esteems who don’t have these subconsciously sabotaging tendencies. Hmm this sounds all too familiar to me because I have dealt with dozens of girls that have sabotaged their relationships unknowingly one way or another. People with high self-esteem are confident of their partners’ love and regard for them so they draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. We take risks when we are in relationships because we have to depend on others. People with low self-esteems are fearful of rejection and hurt because of self-doubt so they withdraw from partners in times of difficulty in order to protect their ego. This is a very important effect of self-esteem because a marked quality of a good relationship is working through your problems by communicating effectively together, this doesn’t happen when a partner with low-esteem withdraws.

But what I realized about this theory is that it goes both ways, not only can you read the gauge, but you can use the knowledge of the gauge to improve your self-esteem by improving your relationships with others. So do what I tell all my friends to do, “fake it until you make it.” Referring to my favorite book, Why Men Love Bitches, the easiest way to draw all your partner’s attention to a possible threat is by acknowledging it and acting intimidated by them; this will make them look 5 times hotter. The better route is being secure in yourself and knowing how amazing and special you are so that your partner feels that much more happy to have you; and an added bonus is it will prevent your partner from straying. Just knowing that low self-esteem causes behaviors that ruin relationships can help you prevent from engaging in them, thereby strengthening your relationship and your self-esteem. Win-win right?