Decoding The Five Love Languages:

        Do you wish your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/wife/husband, said “I Love You” more? Or are you more of an ‘Actions Speak Louder than Words’ type of person? Well people are different; we all speak different love languages (LL). What makes one person feel loved, will not necessarily make another person feel loved. By nature, we tend to express love to our partners in the way we wish they would express love to us. We treat people the way we would like to be treated. When our partner doesn't respond positively to our expressions of love, we get frustrated. 

        The intention or sincerity of our love is not the problem; the problem is that we are speaking the wrong love language. Like Drake said, "I can teach how to speak my language, Rosetta Stone." By reading this blog and learning about the Love Languages, I help you understand how to interpret your relationships with others in general, help you decode your own LL and that of your partners, and allow you to apply what you’ve learned to charge your partners love tank, enhance communication, and strengthen your bond. So instead you'll be singing, "Now you're talking my language, now you're talking my language"

         There are 5 love languages which I will explain in great detail: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. To find out your own exact LL use Dr. Gary Chapman’s online inventory at www.5lovelanguages.com/profile 

In order to easily decode your partner’s love language you don’t need them to fill out the inventory just notice the things they complain/whine about the most. Complaints, while annoying, actually can reveal insight into our partner’s inner longing for emotional love. Below are some common examples you might have heard:

* "We never spend any time with each other anymore. We're like two ships passing in the dark." (Quality Time)

* "I can't do anything right around here. All you ever do is criticize. I can never please you." (Words of Affirmation)

* "You mean you didn't bring me anything? Did you even miss me while you were gone?" or “What do you mean you didn’t get me anything for my birthday?” (Receiving Gifts)

* "I don't think you would ever touch me if I didn't initiate it." Or “I don’t feel wanted, do I even turn you on?” (Physical Touch)

* "If you loved me, you would offer to help me out, you never lift a finger." Or “Why didn’t you take out the trash? I’ve asked you twice already” (Acts of Service)

Words of Affirmation: 

Like Mark Twain once said, “I could live 2 months off a good compliment” He spoke the LL of Words of affirmation, people like this love to receive compliments, encouragement, kind words. They appreciate being acknowledged for a job well done and to be recognized for all their abilities & accomplishments. Try to offer your emotional support, listen to them and the things that are important to them. Give them reasons why they are so loved, cherished, special, desired, or appreciated if you want to really fill up their love tank. Most importantly, give them 2-3 geniune heartfelt compliments, words of appreciation, and encouragement daily. If you cannot readily think of anything positive or noteworthy to say then you are TAKING YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED- or maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship. If you’re the former, I listed some ideas for words of affirmation. For more examples click here: http://ebonny.hubpages.com/hub/Words-of-Affirmations-Examples-Love-Language

•                I’m here for you

•                You’re effort and persistence is astounding

•                I love you, need you, want you

•                I feel blessed to have you in my life

•                I’m so glad you chose me

*Note: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. One of the differences between men and women is their preferences for Men prefer words of affirmation centered around their ability or accomplishments whereas women prefer words of affirmation directed toward their appearance or their disposition.

Acts of Service:

          These are the people who say, “Actions Speak Louder than Words” or as I like to say Actions > Words. The ones who speak this LL appreciate little gestures of kindness to show you care. If you don’t live with your partner doing them favors when they need it or asking them if they need anything would be a great place to start. If you do live with your partner than try picking up more chores around the house or helping out with errands to improve the status of your relationship.

Examples are: helping out with cooking/laundry, pitching in with a project they are working on, or giving them a ride to work if they are running late. 

Quality Time: 

        

         People who speak the LL of Quality Time want to spend lots of time with their partner. These people are the ones who would get fed up fast with long distance relationships, and would prefer to travel with their partner for business rather than staying home. They would be content just being with their partner even if they are not doing anything in particular. If you’re with a partner who values Quality Time and you don’t it may appear that they are acting “clingy” but going out of your way to spend less “me time” and more “we time” can really go a long way to improve the relationship in their eyes. If you’re partner is a Quality Time partner and you’re a workaholic you might even want to find ways to integrate your partner in the activities that are draining the most time or even think about hiring someone to take care of small tasks to free up more of your time- this will really show your partner that you care.  

Receiving Gifts:

         Giving & receiving gifts has been a part of human social conduct since our cave men days. It is a primal expression of love, we even have holidays set up established to give gifts, but people whose main LL is receiving gifts appreciate getting gifts for no apparent reason. Whereas the Quality Time LL partner would be mad if their partners traveled without bringing them along, the receiving gifts LL partner would be more upset that their partner didn’t bring them a souvenir than being apart from their partner. 

         You don’t have to shell out a lot of cash to shower your Receiving Gifts partner with attention- buying them little tokens of appreciation along the course of your normal day or making them baked goods is all it takes for them to feel loved. But just don’t make the mistake of forgetting your anniversary or Valentine’s Day or their birthday, they place special attention on gift giving holidays and will be deeply hurt if your gift is late or too humble. But what they appreciate the most is when there was a lot of thought or effort put into a gift or surprise, that will really make them feel loved. 

Physical Touch: 

        People who value physical touch place a high value on the sexual connection in their relationships. But in addition, they like to give affection like scratching their partner’s backs, holding hands, give massages, and other forms of PDA. These people tend to make physical contact with even their friends or co-workers, they might touch someone’s arm to make a point. Or they may tell new acquanitances upon meeting, “No handshakes, I’m a hugger.” 

         This is possibly the easiest LL difference to detect. If for example, you are low on Physical Touch but for your partner it is the most prominent, you may feel like your partner doesn’t desire you, or isn’t feeling romantic feelings for you when really that’s not the case, you’re just speaking different love languages. This difference may be the hardest to overcome. For some learning the LL of touch may be difficult or impossible. For example, victims of abuse or people who come from Eastern cultures may feel uncomfortable being physically close to their partner not matter how hard they try. It may come off as cold but it’s really attributed to their experiences, early childhood experiences, or even their culture. 

            Showing your physical touch partner your love is simple, just kiss them, hug them, move the hair out of their face, or give them a neck rub. If your partner is significantly more sexual than you try to incorporate some things you like to peak your interest like: different outfits, lubes, and accessories. Do things that make you feel sexy and you’ll see your Physical Touch partner’s love tank won’t ever be on E. 

So there you have it, now you will be able to tell your partner that you're talking their language. To learn more about the Love Languages, read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, click here to order on Amazon.

Are Woman With Many Male Friends to be Trusted?

So it’s been a looong day at work & I have been counting down the days to my female cousin’s birthday party tomorrow, mostly because I just moved to a new country and wanted to make some girlfriends in the area. This will be my first time meeting her friends so I asked her if she has a lot of girls coming to her party & she said a couple of her close friends from since she was little were coming and they all live hours away. So at first I was like great, I’ll be going to a sausage fest, but then I thought: What causes women to have many more male friends than girlfriends?

I dug around the internet and found this blog written by a womanizer Sinn called: “Never Trust a Girl with Too Many Guy Friends.” And wow, did he know what he was talking about. He pretty said that since women are naturally competitive with each other about picking the perfect mate (since the caveman days) due to the tested and accepted premises of evolutionary psychology. So, girls who don’t get along with other women and don’t have a lot of girlfriends are subconsciously doing it to eliminate competition. Girls are naturally supposed to get along better with other girls than men, remember my favorite book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  

He said women who don’t have at leave 40% female friends tend to cheat infinitely more than girls who have an abundance of girlfriends. They can come off weird and needy to men because they don’t have the same level of support system with which to discuss their problems. And interestingly, he said that many of these women cheat simply because they are insecure due to the fact that they alienated by their own sex. Women who have mostly guy best friends can’t be trusted and under the same premise, men with mostly female friends are not to be trusted either.

To play devil’s advocate, sometimes women hold onto to guy friends because they want honest advice about men from a man. I mean although I dish out 10 times more advice than I receive, when I do ask my female friends for advice I usually get horrible advice from them that ends up backfiring on me either pushing the guy away or making me look desperate (to me, looking desperate is the Worst relationship poison). Weak men are threatened by their girlfriend’s abundance of guy friends, like in my case with my ex, and they will do everything they can to push these friends away including intimidation, threats, or even abusive social isolation.

The most common reason why women end up this way is because “Daddy Issues” we will delve into this in detail on my next blog…watch out for it early next week! Other reasons can be: they were a tomboy growing up, she had a close group of female friends that turned on her and traumatized her from being close with females again, she’s more interested in work or sports than hair and make-up and simply isn’t very feminine (and cannot relate), or she was raised by a single dad or a family with primarily males.

I’m not suggesting in anyway that girls in this situation should ex-communicate all their guy friends and go out trying to look for girl friends on every street corner. On the flip side, women with only girlfriends, and no guy friends,  aren’t to be trusted either. I mean any girl that can’t get along with half of the population has some sort of issue. The problem with these kind of girls is they might bring their girlfriends along on all of your nights out, expect you to pay for their girls, will refuse to be a “good sport” (by watching football games with their significant other or whatever other male activity they enjoy), and maybe worst will constantly be surrounding their boyfriends in girltalk. So men take your pick.

Is All Work and No Play Okay?

Or do we need to love in order to work well. Well we all know that one person in the office that is clearly over worked and under fucked. These over achievers have a full time job and are divorced from any kind of normal social life. You can tell because they drive everyone (except maybe the CEO) crazy and take work matters way too seriously. They make others in the workplace look bad because they may sometimes tattle about collegues’ phone, Facebook, and personal email use. So people are wondering, “Is it better to have a full time job and no life or a full time life and part-time job?” 

For the most part, work lives and love lives have been seen as polar opposite, non-overlapping life matters. But it’s hard to argue that there has to be some sort of relationship between work satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, no matter how small. I mean first of all, work relationships are fairly common just because the pool of eligible singles dramatically decreases as soon as one finishes undergrad. Even in graduate programs a significantly larger percentage of students are married or engaged compared to undergraduate programs.

Do we need to focus on work, instead of focusing on fun in our lives? Well Freud, the Father of Psychology, thinks not, he suggested that the overarching goal of psychotherapy is to allow the patient to love and to work. And notice he lists love first suggesting it may be first and foremost important. In fact, even employers looks for employees with stable family and love lives. It is far more useful for employers to hire someone with a wife and children because they know they have incentive to keep their job and they have the motivation to do the work that is expected from them.

Is it even beneficial to put work over love in the long term? To answer that, there is evidence the people with secure attachment styles are also very successful when it comes to work: they are less likely to put off work, are least likely to have difficultly completing tasks, they enjoy their vacation time, and are less likely to let work jeopardize their life. But those with alternative attachment are both unsuccessful at relationships and at work…so there is a connection! The exact connect cannot be pinpointed because not enough research has been conducted on the relation between the two.

             There is no reason that pursuing your personal life within reason has to come in between or sacrifice any of your work efforts. So if you’re waiting to plan your next vacation or if you’re weary of asking your boss to let you leave early to get ready for a hot date tonight, I hope you GO FOR IT!...... Not like I’m condoning sexting or Skyping during work...

But if you live a little then you’ll see you’ll work a little harder too. 

"Is There Ever A Reason to Cheat?"

"A Male vs. Female perspective on the Matter"

This picture substitutes HOES for Cheating (and
it got 15 likes on FB page in one day!)

You hear about cheating as one of the big perils in broken relationships, refer  to right diagram. Regrettably, I have been there done that, and my ex didn't deserve it. And consequently, I regretted it deeply and I wouldn't repeat the same relationship blunder. Why is it so bad? Well in my female opinion, it desecrates the power dynamic in a relationship to something that cannot ever be stabilized in the same way again.

"But really, if you're cheating, then why are u in a relationship? Wouldn’t it be easier to break up with you insignificant other and just be free to play the field?" - Ms. Date Guru

Staying in an unhappy relationship shows you don’t have any respect for the other person, and respect is essential in relationships. Not being forthcoming with how you feel to your partner is essentially lying. In relationships, trust and respect are essential elements, like hydrogen and carbon in chemistry.

When cheating happens it really is a shame because sexual problems in relationships are the easiest to fix. I mean compared to baggage from last relationships, family issues (which almost never get resolved), or long distance relationships…sexual problems can easily be fixed with acknowledgment and commitment from both parties.

If you're stuck in a relationship for legal (marriage) or physical (cohabitation) reasons, people may have the urge to cheat but not because they need to or want to. Subconsciously, they do it to prove to themselves that they are not trapped in the relationship like a caged bird. As humans, we have the need and desire to exercise our free will. When that is restrained (like Jail) that’s the worst ethical punishment you can inflict on someone else. Mr. thinks it may be acceptable to cheat in this situation, but doesn’t encourage it because of the unknown, malicious affects it will have on the partner- if not in the short term, definitely in the long term. Mr. doesn’t disparage cheating because everybody has to make his or her own mistakes in order to learn. Don't stay faithful because you know you should, do it because you want to.

             

          Mr. says, “There is never a reason to cheat. NEVER…regardless of any urge you feel. When you enter a relationship, you have to somewhat sacrifice your perogative in favor of your partner, you have to be able to adjust and compromise. (Ms. Date Guru says: The compromise must be equal on behalf of both parties). So how do you have the right to do an injustice to someone you care about just because “you're tired of the same ‘ole same ‘ole," or "I just got caught off guard". We have to forsake ourselves in favor of our lover if we are to find true satisfaction in a relationship. Otherwise be fuck buddies and don’t take it to the next level, exclusivity”

So why do people cheat? It can be boiled down to: “Cheaters are weak”…that’s why. They seek to cheat in order to fill some insecurity they have with themselves or with their partner. They are too weak so they succumb to the societal pressures printed in low rate media. They follow the example of Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, and countless others like Eric Benet who made a name for himself by cheating on arguable one of the most beautiful women in the world- Halle Berry.

In order to crack this never-ending cycle of deceit, we need change the way we think about relationships. I’m doing my part in spreading the awareness of the causes of cheating and its detrimental effects not only in terms of individuals but also their current and future relationships. Now you do your part- Don’t Cheat. 

How to: Take the Monotony out of Monogamy after the Honeymoon Phase

In this first installment of Ms. Date Guru’s Relationship/Sex column on the N Crowd Blog, I will be discussing the factors that make relationships go stale and how to get the spark back. There is a natural progression to relationships: First there is attraction, then lust, then intimacy.

Most people start feeling bored after the intimacy phase. A common complaint I hear is: the honeymoon phase is over, we lost that spark from the beginning. Well you know what ladies? Only boring people get bored. Do one spontaneous thing for your partner and you’ve planted an idea in his head - It will only be a matter of time until he reciprocates.

Longterm relationships aren’t a walk in the park. Forgive the life coach shpelle but if you want to succeed at anything in life, you have to work at it! And in order to make a long lasting effect on your relationship, you must talk to your partner and make an oath or commitment to make the necessary efforts and work to revive your beginning spark!

Once that’s clear, you can start exploring ways to increase spontaneity in both partners. Romance is an essential ingredient for a lasting monogamous relationship- and spontaneity is a large component of romance. It is just as important, if not more, to keep the romance alive a few years into a relationship as it is in the beginning of a relationship. This is where many people fail because they slowly taper off romantic gestures and sentiments especially when cohabitating. The best way to make a positive change in your relationship is to make changes both inside and outside of the bedroom. In addition to increasing frequency, there are many ways to change it up. To watch some more tips to take the monotony out of monogamy from Your Tango:

See this VIDEO post for more tips: http://natashamusing.tumblr.com

* Fall Back in Love….With Your Life Together

Embrace the parts of the relationship that you can’t control and accept them. Things that you can’t personally change shouldn’t be mentioned or discussed. Take any nagging phrases out of your vocabulary. Throw in a sincere compliment about something that is important to your partner.

* Shake Up The Routine

Shake up your routine and try new things for new ideas. Check out this blogpost for interesting date ideas. http://msdateguru.blogspot.com/2012/04/ms-date-gurus-monthly-dating-dish.html

* Spend More QUALITY Time Together

When you are together, focus on getting into a positive mindset. This includes: refraining from complaining, and appreciating as much as you can from the experience. Do an actual activity instead of just hanging out together. Another surprising way to strengthen your bond is learning to making something together.

Jessica Berdan is Ms. Date Guru by day and relationship connoisseur by night on a mission to revive chivalry and teach girls everywhere how to go from doormat to dream girl.  msdateguru.blogspot.com is an open discussion on love, sex, dating, and relationships. Email msdateguru@gmail.com to get any relationship, dating, or sex questions answered. Twitter: @msdateguru or http://twitter.com/#!/msdateguru

Chasing Money & Chasing Women

Welcome to the second installment of The Guide to Businessmen and Ladies Men. Today we are looking at the way successful men handle their money is similar to the way they handle their women. Act too slow and you could lose your opportunity but strike to hard and fast and you could destroy an opportunity. How do you fine the perfect balance? 


Taking the same principles you use to promote and market a product can be used to promote and hype up yourself. I bet you've heard of launch parties for new products, but have you heard of launch parties for people? Successful men take every opportunity to boost their reputation and appeal as they would with a product or service they are offering. One ladies man told me the best way to do this is to throw a huge party and let the people speak for you. Once you impress one girl in a group you practically have the respect of the entire group. This technique is used to network but can also be used as an effective method to attract women to you. 

A wise ladies man from DC once told me quite eloquently, "You can never lose bitches chasing money, but you will always lose money chasing bitches." What does this mean? It mean that you have to spend the bulk of your time and energy on furthering yourself instead of impressing women or else the women will never be impressed. If you spend all your spare time and money whisking soulless women out on dates, even though it's a number game, you will not succeed. Investing your emotion on a woman is risky business for a man and do so boldly but cautiously as you would approach an big, long term investment.  


Want that go getter, player mind set? A ladies man I interviewed in Miami recommended reading this controversial, but still informative passage from Machiavelli's The Prince to get the learn the kind of attitude that attracts women:

"Fortune changes and men stubbornly continue to behave in the same way, men flourish when their behavior suits the times and fails when they are out of step. I do think however, that it is better to be headstrong than cautious, for fotune is a lady. It is nessary if you want to master her to beat and strike her and she often submits to those who act boldly than those who proceed in a calculating fashion. Morever since she is a lady she smiles on the young, for they are less cautious, more ruthless and overcome her with their boldness" 

To those analytical, high thinking people take away from this what you will. But I warn, do NOT take it literally! Most men get so nervous about even talking to women or getting close a woman they have feelings for. But reading this and keeping that mindset in the back of your head will help you guys muster the confidence to WOW any girl that approaches you. 

Why Men Lie: Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I am in love with this week's latest guest posting on Rachel Russo's Status Makeover Blog by Eric Leech Author of Love, Lust, & Relationships and resident blogger at http://www.datingwebsites.org. Finally, you get a taste of some advice about men, from men! Check out the full blog at: Rachel Russo's Status Makeover Blog

. Excerpts from Eric Leeches Post are featured below:

Why do men lie, is a common question among women. It is often answered by the old adage, because he can, and he gets away with it. The biggest problem with men lying in relationships, is that 30 percent of them can roll a whopper off their tongue, with the same ease and confidence as telling mom he loves her. What is it that gives men the satisfaction of lying about his feelings, background, whereabouts, needs, understanding, and availability? Allow me to enlighten you.

“I am the CEO at BS Incorporated” Studies show that men are fundamentally group players. They thrive off their image, and what other people think of them. This is why it is quite common for a man to boast about things that he has not yet achieved. This doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy. However, it can be a deal breaker for some women.

“I’m on my way” When was the last time your guy told you he was on his way, only to show up three hours later with a bouquet of flowers and a sheepish grin? This is a form of passive aggression, and is particularly common when there is a function involving friends, family, a ballet, or wedding. You can overcome this aggression by resisting the temptation to nag him, and instead loosen his noose for the moments that don’t matter. However, let him know when it is really important for him to be on time, and if he still fails to come through, you’ll know you’re not at the top of his list.

“I’ll call you” Studies suggest that most men fall head over heals on a first date. This is basic brain chemistry, as the oxytocin created from being with a woman, is a couple of levels below that of a heroin high. However, just because he is on cloud nine, doesn’t mean that once he gets home, he won’t fall off and find a replacement (alcohol, video games, dating websites, porn, etc.). In addition, men like to be likable. If he is given the choice to end a date on an up or down note, he will choose happy almost every time. The lesson here, is not to read too much into a guy’s reaction on the first date, as that can be unreliable.

To read the rest on Rachel Russo's Status Makeover Blog, a blog that helps you fall in love with your love life as Rachel falls (More) in love with hers...follow this link to the full article