Is All Work and No Play Okay?

Or do we need to love in order to work well. Well we all know that one person in the office that is clearly over worked and under fucked. These over achievers have a full time job and are divorced from any kind of normal social life. You can tell because they drive everyone (except maybe the CEO) crazy and take work matters way too seriously. They make others in the workplace look bad because they may sometimes tattle about collegues’ phone, Facebook, and personal email use. So people are wondering, “Is it better to have a full time job and no life or a full time life and part-time job?” 

For the most part, work lives and love lives have been seen as polar opposite, non-overlapping life matters. But it’s hard to argue that there has to be some sort of relationship between work satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, no matter how small. I mean first of all, work relationships are fairly common just because the pool of eligible singles dramatically decreases as soon as one finishes undergrad. Even in graduate programs a significantly larger percentage of students are married or engaged compared to undergraduate programs.

Do we need to focus on work, instead of focusing on fun in our lives? Well Freud, the Father of Psychology, thinks not, he suggested that the overarching goal of psychotherapy is to allow the patient to love and to work. And notice he lists love first suggesting it may be first and foremost important. In fact, even employers looks for employees with stable family and love lives. It is far more useful for employers to hire someone with a wife and children because they know they have incentive to keep their job and they have the motivation to do the work that is expected from them.

Is it even beneficial to put work over love in the long term? To answer that, there is evidence the people with secure attachment styles are also very successful when it comes to work: they are less likely to put off work, are least likely to have difficultly completing tasks, they enjoy their vacation time, and are less likely to let work jeopardize their life. But those with alternative attachment are both unsuccessful at relationships and at work…so there is a connection! The exact connect cannot be pinpointed because not enough research has been conducted on the relation between the two.

             There is no reason that pursuing your personal life within reason has to come in between or sacrifice any of your work efforts. So if you’re waiting to plan your next vacation or if you’re weary of asking your boss to let you leave early to get ready for a hot date tonight, I hope you GO FOR IT!...... Not like I’m condoning sexting or Skyping during work...

But if you live a little then you’ll see you’ll work a little harder too. 

Advice on Love and Sex From Dr. Charles and Amy Miron

Last week I was intrigued to find out there were two sex experts coming to the University of Maryland- Dr. Charles and Amy Miron . When I met them I instantly thought, they were a cooler version of Meet the Fockers. They are members of American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and teach sex education classes together at a community college in Baltimore. They shed some powerful insight on the dynamics of relationships and sex. They have been working together for decades which is why I asked them for their tips for couples having a romantic and business relationship. They said it is possibly to mix business with pleasure, they enjoy being together during the work day due to their good conflict resolution skills, having a strong sense of self and partner, and sticking up for themselves but at the same time still compromising. Similar to working together, living together will also give you shared experiences that might help you gather insight on whether or not your partner is right for you. They said the only way to know whether or not to settle down (or get married) to someone is to go through time and trauma with them. An anonymous question was asked about whether it was appropriate to move in with a boyfriend and they assured us that moving in is a test drive phase but to follow the two year rule. After two years, you will know if your relationship has enough to grow and share a life together. They didn’t refer to each other as husband and wife but Amy dearly described Charles as her “best friend and life partner”. They praise monogamous sex, and claim no sex is safe sex but use of condoms are safest. In terms of relationships, they support consensual monogamous sex, they have been happily married for 43 years. The thing that I found most intriguing was their sexual "limor" diminishing any preconceptions about love fading with age. They stressed that everyone has unique sexual drives and ticks. They have a unique language for the different tastes in sex. They believe have 3 basic "flavors" which are: love sex, fun sex, and sex sex. Love Sex is the deep sensual sex you see in movies that is tender. It is characterized by both partners are actively in touch Fun sex is for fun, instead of watching t.v. or playing a game together. And sex sex is sex that happens when you need to just scratch an itch, having sex to get it out of your system. And they give back too! They have been organizing a sex retreat for 9th graders to apply creative group building and teaching techniques that reach further beyond sex education in the classroom. They taught me, as an aspiring marriage counselor that marriage can last and be successful even after time. And shared their secret to having a successful relationship- asking what YOU can do to improve their relationship instead of pointing fingers or blame on your partner to put in more effort.

Go Get a Study Buddy!

           It's dreaded exam time and I’m sure you’re wired and tired of hitting the books and skipping Zzz’s. When it’s crunch time in classes, we’re often too self-consumed to notice other people. But I would argue that having a special someone around when those stressful times hit may just be the answer for your winter woes. When it starts getting cold outside, it’s nice to have someone by your side to warm you up. And when the stress starts piling on from Thanksgiving, finals, and then the holidays we are left in a flurry that only the warmth and sensitivity of relationship can cure. Having a partner who encourages you and motivates you to be the best you can be is my recipe for a healthy relationship. Having the right person around at your lows can make them more bearable. Also, you can benefit from the added push of someone you care about believing in you and parleying your own expectations of yourself. Studies in misattribution theory state that when people are in a heightened state, for ex Studying they often misattribute the cause of their arousal (beating heart, faster breaths) to the nearest source they can.

         So now is the time to approach that cutie in class you were afraid to talk to all semester, because now you have an excuse! It’s simple to do nonchalantly, just organize a study group and invite them to join.  Better yet, open the door to conversation by exchanging numbers in reference to an upcoming exam or paper. Working on something collaboratively with another person brings you closer to them. If it wasn’t meant to be, well at least you got some homework help. So take off those headphones and take a stroll around the library. I bet there are a lot of eligible singles sitting next to you right about now who want someone to study with too.

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