Emotionally Unavailability: What it is, Why It Happens & How to Break the Pattern

           After one too many swipes on Tinder your finger is cramping, and you finally come to the realization that everyone you date is a commitaphobe. You think, “If every person I met wasn’t so emotionally unavailable I would actually find that long lasting relationship I’ve always hoped for right?” WRONG. You probably think the problem can’t be you. You’re the one that’s trying to stay in contact, making the plans, making the effort all in hopes that it will lead to a genuine connection with someone you can mutually love, support, and care for.

Then again your problem is you've unknowingly created a pattern of pursuing/falling for people that are emotionally unavailable, and in that case, this article is for you. For the sake of convenience let’s refer to the emotionally unavailable as “EmoNavi”. You may think the solution is as simple as trying to date different emotionally balanced people or taking yourself off the market but there’s no way around it. 

The only way to stop being attracted to EmoNavi is to work on becoming more Emotionally Balanced yourself. 

And the only way to start becoming more Emotionally Balanced is to recognize why you’re not. I will take you through the characteristics, how to identify the reason for pursuing EmoNavi, and how to break the pattern for good so that you can finally move on, and welcome healthy, new relationships in your life.

It’s just like Mr. Big said on Sex & the City:

 “She can reach me but I can’t get her. Ever!”

Often times when someone is emotionally unavailable, it makes them physically unavailable too. They are constantly tied up with something, unresponsive, or have a wealth of excuses as to why they can’t be there for you. But the EmoNavi won’t flinch to call you or knock on your door if they are in pain or in need of some physical or emotional reassurance for their problems. But note: this can also be a trait of unbridled narcissism along with EmoNavi, perhaps your partner may be a little of both?

Not only are the EmoNavi un-reliable with plans to get together they are wishy washy in their communications as well. Examples of this are: going long periods of time without any communication, trying to track you down through mutual friends instead of contacting you directly, other times EmoNavi may partake in passive communication like chatting, commenting/liking your social media, sending snap chats all to avoid real, direct, communication. Your friends might ask you, “How’s _________” and the only thing you can say is “I have no idea,” that’s a telling sign your partner is EmoNavi.

        Often times, people get tied into these relationship because of patterns that make them attracted to EmoNavis (detailed in the next section), or because we see their potential so we buy into their excuses actually believing them, or it could be both.

Just remember when you give someone a CHANCE, it’s because you really want them to CHANGE.

But you can’t expect anyone to want to change except for themselves, and for that reason the 3 strike rule is a good measure to follow. You need to set the bar on how your partner treats you. If you’re allowing EmoNavi to be distant, act one way in one setting and then be MIA for a week, making the bare minimum effort without so much of an acknowledgement…You’re letting them assign your value, probably lower than you actually deserve. Bottom line: If you’re dating someone who not only doesn’t ask about you but who also doesn’t seem to know what you’re up to on a day-to-day level, well it might be time to reassess the situation.

Reasons for Pursuing/Falling For EmoNavis:

While most dating articles or blogs will not mention this I think my readers should know: If you’re pursuing EmoNavis and continuously fall for them, you are EmoNavi too! Most people who are emotionally balanced and 100% available repel EmoNavis for the most part, due to their confidence armour which doesn’t allow them to feel comfortable in an EmoNavi situation for very long. Important to note though, that some EmoNavi behaviors or red flags may be hard to decode/notice at first but after 3 or 4 dates the emotionally balanced come to find the truth and start running for the hills.

How To Break The Pattern:

By simply stopping and reading this blog up to this point, you are acknowledging awareness that you or someone you know is dealing with the EmoNavi problem, and that is the first step to change. By being open to using some of the suggestions detailed below you will start to internalize these healing mechanisms that will actually help eliminate the codependency patterns you have reinforced. By removing co-dependant habits you will notice an increase self-efficacy, confidence, so that you fall back in love with yourself again. And most importantly, removing EmoNavi habits will make you whole and able to welcome love in your life in a new & healthy way. So what to do? 

Identify a pattern you keep repeating. Some common examples: Rushing into sex too quickly, having a chaotic lifestyle, not dating long enough, falling for someone too fast, avoiding transparency & openness early on in the relationship, or something else you had no idea you were doing (your close friends or family may be able to help you with that). 

Relinquish Your Need to Control. Stop doing the emotional chasing. You don’t have to be right all the time, if you’re partner doesn’t agree with something you want it’s not always about you. Let the powerless feeling sink in, it’s impossible to control your partner without force so be more accepting.

Live by TAO. This is one of my golden rules of relationships, in general, from work to family to romantic relationships and it is particularly applicable in this case in order to build trust with your partner. EmoNavi tend to have difficulties becoming emotionally balanced because they are so hurt and cannot build real, lasting trusting bonds with others. 

T- Transparency: Be forthcoming with what you tell your partner, stressing the importance of communication. Never give your partner a reason to question you. Transparency is perhaps the biggest pillar of trust

A- Acceptance: Be accepting of all of your partners past, present, and future worries especially when it comes to their ex, family/work issue or whatever else is making them EmoNavi. Knowing that they have your unconditional love and support can help them heal their emotional wounds just like putting Neosporin and a Band-Aid would heal a flesh wound.

O- Openness: Answer all questions or worries, help them feel reassured. It’s when you don’t think of holding anything back or hiding anything about what you do or feel to your partner. 

Keep in mind, that you don't need to change everything about yourself- you just need to switch your focus. Specifically, you need to switch from focusing your energy into obtaining EmoNavi’s affection to focusing on your own personal and emotional needs. Focus your time and energy on the friends and family members that you trust, instead of channeling most of your energy on EmoNavi. Outline where you want to be and where you think you are now. Notice that your need for affection and intimacy will not make or break you. Once you cherish yourself everyone will see your light shine from the inside out and when you least expect it, someone amazing might stroll into your life... just make sure your shoes are shined!

"Is There Ever A Reason to Cheat?"

"A Male vs. Female perspective on the Matter"

This picture substitutes HOES for Cheating (and
it got 15 likes on FB page in one day!)

You hear about cheating as one of the big perils in broken relationships, refer  to right diagram. Regrettably, I have been there done that, and my ex didn't deserve it. And consequently, I regretted it deeply and I wouldn't repeat the same relationship blunder. Why is it so bad? Well in my female opinion, it desecrates the power dynamic in a relationship to something that cannot ever be stabilized in the same way again.

"But really, if you're cheating, then why are u in a relationship? Wouldn’t it be easier to break up with you insignificant other and just be free to play the field?" - Ms. Date Guru

Staying in an unhappy relationship shows you don’t have any respect for the other person, and respect is essential in relationships. Not being forthcoming with how you feel to your partner is essentially lying. In relationships, trust and respect are essential elements, like hydrogen and carbon in chemistry.

When cheating happens it really is a shame because sexual problems in relationships are the easiest to fix. I mean compared to baggage from last relationships, family issues (which almost never get resolved), or long distance relationships…sexual problems can easily be fixed with acknowledgment and commitment from both parties.

If you're stuck in a relationship for legal (marriage) or physical (cohabitation) reasons, people may have the urge to cheat but not because they need to or want to. Subconsciously, they do it to prove to themselves that they are not trapped in the relationship like a caged bird. As humans, we have the need and desire to exercise our free will. When that is restrained (like Jail) that’s the worst ethical punishment you can inflict on someone else. Mr. thinks it may be acceptable to cheat in this situation, but doesn’t encourage it because of the unknown, malicious affects it will have on the partner- if not in the short term, definitely in the long term. Mr. doesn’t disparage cheating because everybody has to make his or her own mistakes in order to learn. Don't stay faithful because you know you should, do it because you want to.

             

          Mr. says, “There is never a reason to cheat. NEVER…regardless of any urge you feel. When you enter a relationship, you have to somewhat sacrifice your perogative in favor of your partner, you have to be able to adjust and compromise. (Ms. Date Guru says: The compromise must be equal on behalf of both parties). So how do you have the right to do an injustice to someone you care about just because “you're tired of the same ‘ole same ‘ole," or "I just got caught off guard". We have to forsake ourselves in favor of our lover if we are to find true satisfaction in a relationship. Otherwise be fuck buddies and don’t take it to the next level, exclusivity”

So why do people cheat? It can be boiled down to: “Cheaters are weak”…that’s why. They seek to cheat in order to fill some insecurity they have with themselves or with their partner. They are too weak so they succumb to the societal pressures printed in low rate media. They follow the example of Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, and countless others like Eric Benet who made a name for himself by cheating on arguable one of the most beautiful women in the world- Halle Berry.

In order to crack this never-ending cycle of deceit, we need change the way we think about relationships. I’m doing my part in spreading the awareness of the causes of cheating and its detrimental effects not only in terms of individuals but also their current and future relationships. Now you do your part- Don’t Cheat. 

To Catch A Cheater

Cheating is more prevalent than you think. Everywhere I turn, I see it. Whether it's out to lunch where I see a couple one with a wedding band and one without, to the college party where my sorority sisters cheat on their long distance boyfriends, or my friends' parents, you can't deny it happens...a lot. As Ms. Date Guru, I have come across research to further my knowledge in my future career as a marriage counselor, I have come across some statistics from the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy that prove quite troubling. They found that 60% of married men and 50% of married women will likely have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. And since it's unlikely that most of these adulterers are married to each other, the current statistics project that cheating happens in 80% of all marriages! And since relationships are founded in trust, cheating ruins the bedrock of relationships and cause psychological suffering. The older you get the more you get insecure you get in your relationship because your choices dwindle. Now in our 20's and 30's we are bombarded with choices from Facebook to online dating sites which make looking for a match similar to catalogue shopping. But knowing what we know about cheaters, would you want a product that can do all the detective work for you? Would you want to just know and move on? How much time would be saved if we can rest assured knowing cheaters will be uncovered? How many heart breaks would be prevented? In our new world of social networking and communications Big Brother is always watching. Take this survey to rate your attitudes on uncovering digital cheaters just follow the link, How Far Would You Go To Catch A Cheater? Survey

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