The Origins of Seduction- Casanova’s Story

I welcome my guest blogger, who goes by Ice (because he's really good at breaking the ice) who shed light on the life of Casanova after reading his memoir called, "The Story of My Life." Although in present day there are many player, pick up artists or seducers, none of them can boast that they have a 100% clean record like Giacomo Casanova who is considered to the greatest lover of women with over a hundred sexual conquests in his lifetime. None the less, his immersion into the world of seduction, love, and games was learned when he was played by his host sister, Batina. In a span of several months, she played the infamous game that many today are acquainted with in the world of dating, or at that time, courting. She consumed his thoughts with burning desire, and constant thoughts of her, just like in modern day men would be consumed with thoughts of women they adore and admire. Nonetheless, Casanova was fortunate to get back with Batina, when she was plaqued by an illness that put sores all over her face, and he effectively turned the table on her because now that she was ugly, he had the power. After all this torture Casanova came to learn women’s guil or cleverness when it come to games. He didn’t take things for face value and he became more conscious and aware which led to his gradual confidence and charisma that his exploits are known for.

This serves to show that even the greatest have to fall- at least once. The point was further proven in the movie, The Ugly Truth, where the main character Mike Chadway was a crass, arrogant player in the love game. He told it “how it is” and did not sugar coat anything, making the trails and tribulations of love seem trivial and boiled down to the fact that men will only like you for your looks, and they will only stick around if you’re not a bother. He ruled out any stipulations of love saying it was a manufactured construct only available in romance novels and women’s imaginations. He dispels love saying women only look for the utopian man, from the example in the movie, Katherine Hiegel’s checklist. He says women don’t fall in love with men they fall in love with you perfectly manicured resumes and the careful venal decisions they make in life. Saying women would trade “money over substance, looks over soul, and polish over principle”. So don’t be afraid to fall and get hurt, it’s better to learn trail by fire than to accept it and move on. Have an open mind, don’t be attached to the outcome because that first fall is the open door to seduction possibility and you need to experience it in order to learn. And women, this may explain why men can be so harsh and cold as a 23 year old man, Danny said, "Men commit to women on an emotional level at an earlier age. most men I know that they loved their first girlfriend. but when she broke their heart, they decided not to go through the pain again."

The Answer to All Your Problems

One of the hardest thing I encounter being Ms. Date Guru is people coming up to me expecting me to have the perfect answer. That is the predicament many psychologists face during their careers. What people don’t know is they have to come to the answer themselves. Because, regardless of my expertise if I tell someone to do something they don’t want to do, they won’t do it. A lot of people know the right answer, but it’s hard to swallow. Often times you don’t want to do the right thing because they are too tough. Because like the old adage says, “No one said it would be easy, they merely said it would be worth it.”

Another thing is people complain that things are easier said than done. That is harder to practice than to preach but first come thoughts and then come actions. Quoting one of my favorite books, How to Make Friends and influence People, “Action seems to follow feeling but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not. “ I feel like that pretty much summarizes people’s problems with changing their behavior or actions. Many think that they have to change their thoughts or feelings first and often fail because that is very hard to do. First, you must change your actions or behavior and that will lead to the right feelings and mind set. Like I tell many of my friends and confidants, “Fake it ‘till you make it.” If you don’t think you’re special enough to be treated well, you won’t earn that treatment and therefore will be disrespected by friends and lovers alike.

And going along with that, one has to be able to picture what they want in order to get it. Take the classic unrequited love example say you have a crush on the most popular boy or a teen idol. Of course you don’t have the slightest chance with them because you put them at such a high pedestal and I’m betting many women have had these crushes and not acted on them because they thought they were so far off. Well the girls who end up dating the most popular guy and the cocktail waitresses that end up dating Michael Phelps don’t see them as an untouchable celebrity, in fact they think, this guy should be lucky to have me, and the men end up believing it. And take it from me, the attitude tweak really does work, it may sound hard or counter-productive but think it and in time, the change will come.

What Not to Say After a Hook-up:

      While on the bus from NYC earlier this week I spoke to a man, let’s just call him the “One Night Wonder”, who has a lot of experience with hook-ups (hence the name). I found him to be a rare breed of man who’s longest relationship was 2 months- you know what I’m thinking- commit-a-phobe! I mentioned my blog to him and he asked me to let all my loyal readers know about one thing not to say after a hook-up:

“did we have sex last night?”

     Now, I know a lot of you honestly don’t know this but the worst thing to do is to let the guy know that you were blackout during sex. The first step is to look around for a used condom- that’s a sure sign that you had an intimate night. Note: Guys pretty much always remember sex (because usually the machinery malfunctions if they are blackout), so letting him know that you don’t remember can be pretty hurtful. As soon as they hear that they wonder if they took advantage of you, if you’re not interested in him, and, above all, what a mess of a girl you are.

       So don’t let them in on that you don’t remember and save what little dignity you have left (harsh, but true). If you’re concerned about protection and safety, well, girlfriend, you shouldn’t have gotten drunk to the point of losing memory! Women regret hook-ups more than men, so just keep that in mind when you make your hook-up decisions (there are such things as beer goggles you know). Also, some men may see flirting and friendliness as an open invitation of hooking up- especially if it’s over a night of heavy drinking- so make sure you’re not sending mixed messages. And be careful not to stick around one guy’s side all night, guys take that as a strong invitation as well.

      If you find yourself in this sticky predicament there are two paths out of it. If you know the guy, and are interested in him, you should initiate another hook-up in the morning (a wake-up call). This can be a test to see how far you took it the night before and to redeem yourself by asserting yourself as an independent, confident, sexual woman. This will take away any doubt in his head that it was uncalled for. Yes, guys really do care about this and would feel hurt to learn that they took advantage of someone. Most guys think a girl is fine if they hook-up with her. For most guys (and I stress most) the cardinal rule is not to hook-up with a super drunk girl- but a lot of times the line between drunk and just tipsy is blurry.

       The second possibility is waking up to someone you aren't too familiar with, and aren't to comfortable now waking up next to. In this case, just smile politely, put on your clothes and get the hell out. You may have to hear it from your friends later, but what's done is done and you should probably think about how to avoid this happening again. To save face it’s best to not ask the guy about sex, but you can if you really want to. Of course, you’re taking the risk of hearing a lie. The true lesson is that no girl with much respect for herself should be getting drunk to the point of not remembering sex- sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties! Take care of yourselves girls!

Birthdays

This blog is dedicated to Mike Gustafson on his 21^st birthday! Why is it that girls make birthdays such a bigger deal than guys do? Except for the standard 21 and 18 birthdays, guys really don’t care about birthdays. They don’t count down like girls do, they don’t throw annual lavish parties like girls do, and they don’t get each other gifts like girls do. So guys if you only did one small thing for your girl, giving her the VIP treatment on her birthday should be it. Not only will you make her feel like a princess and earn a lot of brownie points with her but you’ll also impress her friends and family so spotlight’s on her for her special day.

So I speculated reasons as to why it may be more important for girls than guys. To understand, you must first know what a birthday is, it means you’re getting one year older so some may see them as getting one year closer to death. Since guys are concerned with achievement more so than girls, they see birthdays this way, like a warning: you have one year less to do everything you aim to do. But girls, who give birth see birthdays as a celebration of life. They are more dear to us because most of us in the future will provide someone with a birthday, something only unique to women, as opposed to the other aspects of parenting that both parents share. We like to celebrate life because most women outlive men so we must embrace that and throw celebrations for ourselves because as we get older there will less men and immediate family in our lives to celebrate with. After all, every girl wants to be the leading lady of their own lives and there’s no better time to play the part than on her birthday.

In addition, girls pay more attention to interpersonal interactions and relationships so that’s why they like to share and celebrate their birthdays with people while boys more value achievement and strength and look down upon showing emotions, so sharing birthdays isn’t as important.

Attention FHA (Future Husbands of America lol Stacey): In order to give her the VIP treatment every princess deserves on her birthday you should do any/all of the following: including but not limited to a heart-felt card (buying a card doesn’t count make sure you write a personal message-no short cuts on her birthday), chocolates or some baked goods, something for pleasure she would enjoy whether it be fluffy and cute, some music she like (mixed CDs are great), a book for the intellectual girls out there, and/or some type of jewelry (I would suggest bracelets, it’s really hard to pick a hideous one).

Don’t worry girls, you don’t have to do much to please your man on his birthday, just making a cake or surprising him with a sexy outfit will do. Now celebrate away!

Love Shyness

Love shyness is a real disorder that’s affecting many social phobic college-age men. love-shy people find it close to impossible to assert themselves in social situations in romantic and sexual encounters with the opposite sex, although they may be fairly comfortable in friendly situations because f the large amount of social anxiety (that something bad will happen).

It’s a real issue: love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5% of American males and will prevent about 1.7 million U.S. males from ever marrying or experiencing intimate sexual contact with women!

People effected with love shyness are usually characterized by the following:

You are an adult male

You have never, or very rarely had girlfriends

You have never, or very rarely had sex

You have remained single while all your friends dated and got married

You are so inhibited by your fear of asking a woman for a date that you never do

- Wikipedia

Causes may be due to bullying in school due to their shyness and inhibition so they may have fragile self-esteems and egos, making them strong targets. Another cause may parental upbringing, where they might have been abused whether verbally or physically, negative comparisons, or plain indifference. This may cause the love shy male to build a shell around to protect himself and further isolating himself. They may even avoid social situations with their peers as well the opposite sex; making this a “vicious cycle” inhibiting further social interactions. And a good friend of mine, “The only way to break a continuous cycle is by some kind of external force.” That force is change, you need to be eased in to force to change your habits

The DENNIS System

Recently when I was watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I saw this episode on the DENNIS System. Now for those who don’t know, the Dennis system stands for: 

D: Demonstrate Your Value (catch her attention with something impressive or nice) 

E: Engage Physically (without taking the girl on a date) 

N: Nurture Dependence like making her depend on your fictional angry neighbor that’s bothering her) 

N: Neglect Emotionally (Like not taking her phone calls, frightening her. Subsequently, it will make clingy questions self esteem) 

I: Inspire Hope (Which will make it that much harder when you break it off) 

S: Separate Entirely (because she would take you back anytime)

        It made me think: are Guys are delusional? They try to make these complex systematic strategies to win girls hearts. These are present not only on comedies but in real life. Think about that wing man, or what about the nice guy that swoops in after a girl gets her heart broken by an insensitive prick. I think most girls can agree that the only sure fire way to get a girl is to be your (best) self, be charming, and act like a gentleman. Try to get to know the girl and being funny is a plus because it diffuses any tension or awkwardness. As I always say, the best pick up like is introducing yourself and using casual humor. But I gave the DENNIS system a make-over, follow this DENNIS system and you will have girls swooning over you:

D: Demonstrate Good Character (Don't be shady, girls respect qualities in guys like consistent, hardworking, dedicated)

E: Engage in Conversation (Get to know her and make sure the conversation isn't one sided)

N: No Means No (respect her intentions to take it slow)

N: Never Lie (In order to build trust with her)

I: Initiate Making Plans (That will let her know you're interested)

S: Slow and Steady Wins the Race (if you want something solid, you should take it slow)

All the guys out there please note: I wouldn’t advise getting your dating advice from a sitcom.

How to Fight Fair

The ultimate goal of fighting is conflict resolution. To do this effectively you must make it a discussion and avoid getting emotional, angry or defensive. When people get emotional in arguments, someone ends up feeling like they’re not being heard and you can end up creating more problems. We all yearn for validation, recognition and respect so you can’t be defensive. The key to fighting fair is saying what you mean and hopefully the following tips can help.

The best possible tips I can suggest is using behavior descriptions and XYZ statements. I guarantee it will SIGNIFICANTLY improve most communication struggles and relationship issues. If you take away one idea from this post, make it this and use it always to diffuse negativity in arguments. Make sure you identify specifically what bothered you and make sure to focus on discrete, manageable behaviors that can be readily changed vs. attacking your partner’s character. An XYZ statement is “When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z” make sure you use the past tense and avoid things like “you never” or “you always”.

1. Gather all possible info.
Don’t make any accusations or assumptions. As a general guideline only talk about things that are concrete, not open-ended. And there’s no disagreement about someone’s feelings- they are facts. You can’t argue that your partner feels a certain way.

2. Set time limit for good intentions.
I know this one might not sound practical but just have a general idea of how long you will talk BEFORE you start the conversation. Usually, people get emotional about 15 or 20 minutes in so you should try to make your argument about that long. It may be helpful to talk during a show (from one commercial break to the next) or while your putting the dishes/laundry away. Distracting yourself by doing a task while you’re talking will prevent you from getting into a heated argument but make sure you’re being sensitive to what your partner is saying. Some people that are married find that having a scheduled time to air out issues works best for them but make sure you don't bottle up your feelings and talk about issues in a timely fashion.

3. Focus on the issue NOT past problems.
Time and time again I hear from friends that they have the same argument over and over. This isn’t productive the point of a fight is conflict resolution, if you fight about the same things you failed at resolving conflict. You must figure out something to do about and then drop the issue. Don’t bring up past conflicts into new arguments, constantly holding something against someone will make them feel attacked and again prompt them to protect their self-image and be defensive.

4. Don’t try to change something that is impossible to change.
You have to be realistic some things about people are at the core of their personality or are things they really like about themselves which you can’t change.

5. Don’t start a fight that can’t be finished.
If you know you don’t have much time to chat, you should “plan” a better time to do so. Your partner wants to be validated and recognized so show you care about what they have to say. People are more likely to argue when they are hungry or tired so avoid a bad situation by picking a better time. Wanting to be able and ready for a discussion also shows you respect your partner.

6. Argue in private.
If you have an issue magnifying it by bringing it up in public will only make it worst. It’s damaging to someone’s ego to be yelled at and it’s especially demeaning to guys. Plus, airing out your grievances in public just makes you look less solid as a couple.
7. If both parties participate.
This is self-explanatory, don’t ignore your partner or walk away it takes 2 to tango. Unhappy couples don’t hear each other and barely check understanding.

8. Be aware of your body language
When people fight sometimes they have the tendency to show aggressive body language, which puts others on the defensive. That’s what we want to avoid. Doing things like turning away, leaning back, averting your gaze, being less animated while talking, and having a less pleasant facial expression can give the impression that you don’t care and may leave your partner hurt. Obviously it’s hard to control for all these things but just be aware of the non-verbal signals you’re sending. Also, when people get angry they tend to clench their fists or breath heavily. Taking some (6) deep breaths will help because it lowers your heart rate and you need a fast heart rate to be angry.

9. Identify realistic goals.
This goes along with identifying specific behaviors. You must come up with a solution to the problem that you both are happy with. Some issues are deep rooted in your partner’s personality and may signify incompatibility, you should recognize these issues early and know they can’t be changed. The best solution is usually a compromise.

Avoid:
• Mind-reading: wrongly assuming you know what your partner is saying INSTEAD engage in active listening by para-phrasing what they said to check understanding. It shows that you care about understanding how they feel and are willing to work it out. People that perceive unpleasant motives are more unhappy in their relationships.

• Interrupting: Respect your partner by hearing out what they have to say

• Cross-complaining: This is when you respond to a complaint with another (sometimes even unrelated) complaint. Instead rephrase the complaint and ask the person how they felt for calmer discussion.

• Off beam Wandering: Happens when you don’t stay on a problem long enough to resolve it, usually bringing up another problem. To avoid this try talking out one issue at a time.

• Criticism & Contempt: attack your partner’s personality and character and shows aggressiveness and disrespect. Includes insults, mockery and hostile humor

• Defensiveness: When people prevent themselves from unreasonable attack. It doesn’t address the problem and when fighting the RIGHT way, this isn’t present.

• Stone walling: Withdrawing into silence or ignoring your partner.

• Belligerence: Is destructive, aggressive and rejecting. Instead be respectful and polite

• Crying: It shifts the blame from the actual issue. If you get to this point, you failed at controlling your emotions which is essential for conflict resolution and you will leave your partner feeling more angry or guilty and doesn’t solve the problem in any way.

But DO: say what you mean without attacking
• Stay polite and cool: Avoiding the temptation to act hostile towards your partner by sending clear messages and listening better

• Sarcastic people should establish a "non-sarcastic self" in disagreements, making snide, funny remarks will add insult to injury in fights and may appear insensitive. There is a time and place to joke around and fighting is not one of them.

• I statements: describe how you feel instead of attacking your partner for something.

• The power of respect and recognition: It can make disagreements more tolerable.

The Nesting Weight Phenomena

Some of my friends have expressed their concerns about nesting weight, a phenomena that happens once you’re comfortable and settled in a relationship. I noticed this is very common for women and men but why does it happen? The importance of looks are undeniably related to attraction and interest at the start of a relationship so why is it that we would let our looks wither possibly forfeiting that initial attraction? I gained some insight on the issue studying for my interpersonal relationships midterm. Note that the main reason for husband marital dissatisfaction and a big cause of divorce is because the wife “let herself go”. Looks are more important to men in relationships from an evolutionary standpoint while power and resources are most important to women so it makes sense that it would bother men more than women. It also makes sense that since it’s not as big of a concern for women that they would fall prey to this happening.

Well this seems to be common, in fact most people put on weight after they get married, and it happens to both partners. In close relationships, we tend to go to less trouble to maintain favorable images of ourselves to our intimate partner than others. This is because we already know our friends and lovers like us and there is less we can do to change their deep rooted opinions of us. This relates to looks because we give our partners the benefit of the doubt that they wouldn’t care about superficial things such as looks. This can be a good thing because it shows we are very comfortable with our partner but it can be bad because it causes “un-attraction”.

We are motivated to pay attention to our looks when we’re single and trying to attract a mate but it seems after we have one, there is no longer a purpose of maintaining our appearance unless it’s for our own well being. But more importantly it’s necessary in order to preserve the relationship. Noting your partner’s lifestyle can help you predict the likelihood of this happening- if it’s important to you.

Also if it’s important to you, your partner should care enough to make you happy by maintaining their appearance. But your lifestyle can also rub off on your partner and visa versa, so with this issue it’s best to practice what you preach and lead by example. If you make healthy dinners and encourage exercise obviously your partner will follow suit. We usually pair off with people that are similar attractiveness as us so if your partner is bulking up/slimming down you tend to naturally mimic them. But, correcting the nesting weight together can bring you even closer, not to mention the sexual benefits that come from it. Because after all, the couples that gains/losses weight stays together.

Say No To Self-Doubt

Have you or any one you know ever felt suspicious that your partner may be interested in someone else? Have you ever accused your significant other for cheating without any proof just because you have a feeling? Or has a partner ever acted dishonest and made you question their loyalty even when everything between you was going great? I can almost guarantee this has happened to you before or at least you have had friends dealing with these types of issues. Have you ever thought that the root of these feelings could be low self esteem?

I recently learned about a psychological theory of self-esteem called the “Sociometer Theory” proposed by a Dr. Leary in 2006 in my Couple’s Relationships Class. It basically states that the quality of your relationships with others affects your self-esteem because when others like you, you like yourself. This makes self-esteem a psychological gauge that alerts you of increasing/declining acceptance by others which can make you like yourself more or less respectively. Women generally have higher levels of feminine (expressive) traits and lower levels of masculine (instrumental) traits, while not in all cases. But masculine traits make people feel competent and effective so naturally having low levels of this trait while making you more emotionally expressive and compassionate, can make you feel more reliant and less able to problem solve thereby lowering your self-esteem. So don’t fret, it’s in women’s nature to feel this way, that’s why the most happy and well-adjusted men and woman have a both instrumental and expressive traits. Just knowing that we are biologically more likely to feel this way makes one feel better about themselves and more able to be proactive to change their self-esteem. 

People with low self-esteems tend to sabotage relationships by: perceiving disregard when it doesn’t exist, being pessimistic that love will last, distancing themselves, and reacting more strongly to their partners’ faults compared to people with high self-esteems who don’t have these subconsciously sabotaging tendencies. Hmm this sounds all too familiar to me because I have dealt with dozens of girls that have sabotaged their relationships unknowingly one way or another. People with high self-esteem are confident of their partners’ love and regard for them so they draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. We take risks when we are in relationships because we have to depend on others. People with low self-esteems are fearful of rejection and hurt because of self-doubt so they withdraw from partners in times of difficulty in order to protect their ego. This is a very important effect of self-esteem because a marked quality of a good relationship is working through your problems by communicating effectively together, this doesn’t happen when a partner with low-esteem withdraws.

But what I realized about this theory is that it goes both ways, not only can you read the gauge, but you can use the knowledge of the gauge to improve your self-esteem by improving your relationships with others. So do what I tell all my friends to do, “fake it until you make it.” Referring to my favorite book, Why Men Love Bitches, the easiest way to draw all your partner’s attention to a possible threat is by acknowledging it and acting intimidated by them; this will make them look 5 times hotter. The better route is being secure in yourself and knowing how amazing and special you are so that your partner feels that much more happy to have you; and an added bonus is it will prevent your partner from straying. Just knowing that low self-esteem causes behaviors that ruin relationships can help you prevent from engaging in them, thereby strengthening your relationship and your self-esteem. Win-win right?

Hooking Up in Sex and the City

I wrote this for my colleague, Rachel Russo's blog who is another aspiring psychologist's blog called the It Girl Blog. This is month she is having Sex and the City Theme Month check it out at: www.loverachelrussomft.com

One of the reasons why Sex and the City created such a buzz and generated such a loyal and devoted following was because it was the first show to introduce and even glorify the hook-up culture. People were introduced to this shift in our dating culture. A combination of events in the past 50 years have led to this new cultural embracement of hooking up (social phenomena). The advent of the birth control pill led to the promiscuity of the 70’s; and now people are getting married later. The average age that people marry is 26 for women and 27 for men, so now it is more and more acceptable to be intimate with a person if you’re not married or exclusive. Hooking up is a very broad term, as I’ve found when trying to pin down the exact definition on urbandictonary.com. But the hooking up I’m talking about is the practice of engaging in sexual relations (all the way from kissing to sex) without a commitment or sense of exclusivity.

The Characters of SATC, especially Samantha Jones, glorified hooking up and made women feel more accepted doing it. They showed that hooking up isn’t slutty, but rather being confident in exuding your sexuality. Samantha can definitely hold her own in her male-dominated PR field and as she climbed up the corporate ladder she showed us that being assertive can get you what you want. as she climbed up the corporate ladder. Samantha was never concerned with what other people thought, as she always came first, even at the end when she chose herself over her boyfriend, Smith Jared. Independence and self-confidence embody the hook-up culture because they allow women to see that it’s okay to satisfy their every need and desire whether it be physically, emotionally, romantically, socially, or professionally. This shift? may be this is the after-effect of the women’s rights movement.

While SATC had an undeniable influence on our society’s perception of sex and the loosening up on relationship norms, it created the greater acceptance of the independent (single)women lifestyle. So what’s next? I definitely have been noticing a narrowing of the double standard. My Couple’s Relationships teacher, Professor Rubin, recently mentioned in my Couple’s Relationships class that only 60% of men and 41% of women 50 years ago (65 and over) had sexual relations before the age of 18. But now, 91% of men ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18 and 83% of women ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18. That is a significant 35% increase in just 50 years! These changes really reflect our societal expectations. Our societal restrictions have been loosened, making hooking up more acceptable. I have been living and learning from the stories of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte and if they taught me anything it’s that hooking up is okay and it can help me on my way to finding love.

 

Getting Over Your Ex

Trust me I know how hard break-ups are, I’ve had my fair share but I wanted to share what I learned about coping with them and moving on so I can help yours be a little easier. The following tips can help you make the transition easier for yourself and embrace moving on. The biggest challenge in dating is to give up searching for that special someone and instead, focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize that person and they can appreciate you when you find each other. Because the truth is, relationships will find you when you’re not seeking them, sometimes even when you’re not necessarily ready. So you need to work on embracing and accepting your break-up, learning why it ended and what you will change, and recognize it as an opportunity for new, maybe even greater possibilities. Because if you don’t move on, that special someone might just pass you by without you realizing it. 

Most people think if you have a great spark with someone, or a great love, you should have a relationship with them. This is not necessarily the case, as we grow older and date more we may fall in love a hand full of times, but that doesn’t mean that every person we love is the person we could marry and spend the rest of our lives with. Sometimes, people may mistakenly think that if the relationship ended, the ex didn’t really care about them as much they thought or felt, and it results in feelings of rejection. But if we can embrace the fact that caring or loving the person isn’t the only key to a relationship, we can more easily end relationships that aren’t the healthiest without guilt or fear of hurting the other person. 
“It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” by Sex and the City (the Series) screen writer Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola- Behrendt is a great book that explains people’s (women’s more than men’s) tendency to focus on how great a relationship was instead of how it currently is. We need to remember that actions speak louder than words, sometimes even if our partner is expressing a desire to change, it's not enough. Things are easier said than done. Another book that helps is He’s Just Not That Into You, which turns down excuses that women make for men treating them badly. Some examples are s/he’s just not that into you if: s/he’s not calling you, s/he’s not having sex with you, s/he's having sex with someone else,s/he doesn't want to marry you [when you want to marry him/her] (or doesn’t even consider having a future with you),s/he's breaking up with you,s/he disappeared on you, s/he's married (or any other insane variation of being unavailable). You need to genuinely believe that you deserve to have a great relationship with someone that treats you respectfully, anything less than that is settling. 

So take a clean break. Cut off all contact for at least 2 weeks, do not respond to texts, try not to listen to voicemails, and please don’t torture yourself by looking at their Facebook pictures. If the urge to text or call your ex is hard to suppress have a phone buddy that you can call whenever you’re tempted to call them who can talk you out of it and help support you with your feelings (again mostly directed to women). Don’t associate with the person if you have a choice. Obviously dating someone in your same social circle can make this more difficult, don’t sacrifice hanging out with your crew to avoid your ex just try to be cordial and don’t engage them in conversation especially about the break-up this will just arouse more emotions and it can hinder your positive mentality about the relationship. Box up everything that reminds you of the person (photos, gifts) and place it somewhere inaccessible (a friend’s house, the basement). You don’t need any reminders of what you had with that person to stir up old emotions and make things harder. Also, this serves as a sense of closure on the relationship, you won’t be as willing to just bounce back because it is easier than being alone. 

Why end on a bad note? You can embrace the end of your relationship without the bad feelings associated by recognizing what went wrong and that it’s not necessarily that your ex doesn’t care, it’s just not working. This way, you can learn from every experience and enter new relationships, or being single, with a level head. Obviously, you saw something in the person you were dating, so recognize the person they are while trying to forgive any mistakes they have made. As mentioned in “It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” it might be helpful to make a chart with your ex’s pros and cons. To do this, take a really unflattering picture of your ex for the cons side and a good picture for the pros side and list all their flaws and strengths honestly (and make sure the cons side is longer). This acceptance will aid your ability to move on in a healthy way. Every teach you things you need in future relationships, things to avoid, and non-negotiables (things you can't tolerate in a mate). So why can’t we think of our break-ups as hopeful? It’s better to end a stagnant, unhealthy relationship then to lie to yourself and waste more time. 

Many people will move on quickly to another “rebound” relationship in order to cope with the false notion that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” but this isn’t a healthy way to deal with a break-up. A better way to move on, is to take some time to explore yourself and accept your feelings. If you don’t, you might be apt to: attract the wrong person (because the right ones only like you when you’re at your best), bring unnecessary baggage into a new relationship, or sabotage the new relationship by relying on the other person to fill that void in you. Without properly handing your emotions, they will never improve. Save yourself a lot of time and money on counseling in the future by dealing with your feelings properly now. Even though you’re broken up your ex still deserves respect. Respect your ex by honoring what you two used to have and by not quickly jumping into a new relationship making your ex feeling dispensable. And above all don’t act on vengence, that is an unhealthy coping mechanism, it doesn’t solve the problem it just shifts it and it could make things worst for you. 

Instead of trying to replace your ex, celebrate YOU by throwing yourself a break-up party. Invite single friends, especially the ones that have always been in the back of your mind, the ones who you’ve always wanted to be with but something was in the way- everyone has them. This way, you will associate break-ups as being positive and cheerful. Buy yourself a gift for being so strong or go and pamper yourself as a reward for leaving that unfavorable relationship. Use this opportunity to nurture the most important person, YOU! Because in the end, all we have is ourselves so we need to turn break-ups into a positive experience by looking at what we did wrong, what we can do better, what we learned. 

If you’re not into my party idea at least try to refresh yourself by igniting old passions and hobbies, or friends that went to the wayside when you were in your relationship. Paint that picture you always wanted to paint but didn’t have time to, go to that hot yoga class you were always curious about, or read that book you never got to reading. See this break-up as an opportunity for hope and improvement. Participating in old hobbies or things that are important to you will make you feel better about yourself, as well as feeling satisfied and accomplished in what you do. Imagine the ideal person you want to be (again a list will help with this) and list attractive traits or characteristics. Then, write down things you can DO to be more like the ideal person you want to be. Look back and think about what you learned about the relationship, while still cherishing those memories and the person’s place in your life. You don’t have to hate your ex; obviously you saw something in them that led you to date them. According to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in Dating, “each time we use dating as an opportunity [to connect with someone on mental, emotional, physical, and intimate levels] our ability to discern and recognize the right person increases.” So come out of this relationship better (and stronger) than you went in and you will be able to open your heart to let somebody better come into your life. 

Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

Quite often nice guys are misinformed in thinking that women are only interested in guys that don’t care about them and don’t treat them right. And it doesn’t help to have songs like, “You’re a Jerk” and images in the media compounding that misconception, making it seem more and more true. But I would beg to argue that is a myth, and women are really attracted to nice guys. After all, how many times have you heard of a girl telling her mom or friend, “he’s just what I’m looking for…he’s such a jerk!”? 
It may be easy to generalize that women don’t like nice guys because they often reject men by saying, “You’re nice, but I would just like to be friends.” So then, when men hear this they might mistakenly think the reason the woman isn’t interested was because the man was nice. On that same token, men might think that women are interested in jerks because often they use this word in describing past boyfriends. Women, unknowingly fixate on how bad her ex was treating her making him look unfavorable in other men’s eyes. So it makes sense that nice guys would wonder why she got so involved with him is he was such a “jerk”. But what he doesn’t know is, the woman wouldn’t have gotten involved with him if she hadn’t of thought he was nice when she first met him. 
Women like nice guys, but when they are too nice it can turn women off. When a woman is attracted or uncertain and a man is showing more interest, behaving as if they are exclusive or even more, it is easy for her to lose interest. She may be afraid of him getting too attached and hurting him, or if he’s really nice she is afraid he will abandon her when he finds out that she’s not as nice as him. She feels he wants too much, he expects too much, and he gives too much, so she may feel obligated to give back more than she is ready to. 
Women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care” because these men are clearly in the attraction or uncertainty stage, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. Women like to be pursued, but when a man is not yet sure about exclusivity and beyond, they come off as very attractive. He is attractive simply because she feels safe backing out or being unsure without the risk of hurting him. When a man comes on really strong, it can make a women feel she doesn’t have the right to feel uncertain. As a result, she never gets the assurance in herself to move into an exclusive relationship. 

To text or not to text, that is the question

Now, with all the developments of technology, our generation has a lot more to worry about then past generations. Instead of simply writing a letter or going to someone’s house to interact, now we are faced with the increasing complexity of technology, you can email, bbm, text, call, im or facebook chat. So how much is too too much? How much or how little communication is necessary to maintain interest? Hopefully, the following do’s and don’ts will help:

1.) DON’T: repeat text
The fastest way to turn-off/irritate someone you’re interested in is to repeat text, text more than twice without getting a response in a sitting. If the person isn’t responding then they are: busy, figuring out plans, away from the phone, or not interested in talking. Instead, if you want to discuss a somewhat urgent matter (when you need a response in the next couple hours) it’s better to call instead of texting. I look at texting as similar to my facebook wall, you can leave a message for someone at any time and they will get back to you when they have time, but you know they will get the message. And you wouldn’t post multiple things back to back on people’s walls so why do it on their phone? Note: texting question marks, especially multiple ones is the most annoying, it doesn’t achieve anything making them pointless. Please avoid this at all costs, unless you want to drive someone very far away!

2.) DO: Call, when it’s important
When you have a complex issue to discuss, it can be annoying to text back and forth for hours. In this case, it is better to call. If you call and someone doesn’t answer it is appropriate to text if you need something from them or wanted to ask them a question. If you called to talk, wait for them to call you back when they become available.

3.) DO: Reply promptly
If you are keeping your options open or trying to figure out plans, don’t leave people hanging. Let them know you will get back to them, and keep your word. Another thing people find annoying is saying you’re going to call back and then not doing it because you got caught up in other things. Don’t say you’ll call back if you don’t want to, say it when you will actually do it. 

4.) DO: Wait to Call/Text….but DON’T: wait too long
When you get someone’s number you should wait at least 2 or 3 days to call or text them in order to keep you from looking desperate (unless you’re calling them right away so they have your number). But make sure you call within a week, so they won’t forget who you are, AND so you don’t lose their number (especially when it’s on a business card or something that’s happened to me before). Another time you should wait to call back is when you don’t have much time to talk. It’s vexing when someone calls you back but has to cut you off in the middle of what you’re saying because they are getting on the metro/driving/need to leave/get ready. You can gauge how much people will be on the phone by past phone interactions. As a general rule, women like to talk on the phone for longer than men so I would advise leaving around 30 minutes open for returning a women’s call. 

5. ) DON’T: Be Sneaky
If someone isn’t answering you, calling them from a different number or calling their house phone is not appropriate. It will make them think: why can’t this person just leave me alone? Ignoring people’s calls are also rude unless you want to make a bold statement that you don’t want to talk to them. It’s pretty obvious when you reach a voicemail after 2 rings that you were ignored. 

6.) DON’T: Leave a voicemail
This is especially directed to girls: men for the most part, find the voicemail system to be a very long, complicated system so they try to avoid it, unless for professional reasons. One guy I know even let his mailbox fill up so now people can’t leave him any. I wouldn’t suggest doing that because you might miss important calls about professional inquiries or emergency situations. Also sometimes, you’re phone might run out of battery or lose service but you might get some messages when you’re phone resumes about things you missed. Try not to leave voicemails to guys because chances are they won’t get it in a timely fashion and whatever you have to say, you could also text. But leaving voicemails would be acceptable to say a significant other. Leave a cute message (about how you miss them, how much they mean to you) that you would want them listening to over and over like the voice recorder in Build-A-Bear, especially if they are traveling and you’re in different time zones. That way they will get your message and be able to save it for the future. 

Finally…..and most important:
7.) DON’T: go through other people’s phones
It is considered highly intrusive and nosey to go through someone’s phone. There is a lot of personal texts and maybe pictures that aren’t for everyone’s eyes to see. Ignorance is bliss and most of things you will find, you never even wanted to know. If you have problems trusting your partner, you should work on those issues and strengthen your trust instead of snooping around to dig up dirt. Think about how you would like it someone snooped in your phone, next time you feel the urge. 

Miss Independent, That's Why I Love Her

There has been a recent trend evident in songs like “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson, “Sexy Love” by Ne-yo and “I-N-D-E-P-E-D-A-N-T” by Webbie, illustrating the recent shift in the reasons why men value women. I am talking about the recent societal trend in which men have begun to respect women who don’t need them. The cause of this shift may lie in the social trends that have provided women with more economic autonomy from men. These social trends have changed the double standard and liberated women both economically and sexually. Some of these trends include increase in women in the paid labor force, increase in the divorce rate, increase of age at first marriage, and the advent of birth control technology. All these trends combined have led to the liberalization of sexual behaviors and attitudes toward premarital sex and promiscuity for both sexes. In fact, now-a-days people rarely if ever use the word “promiscuous” to judge someone’s sexual behavior, but just fifty years ago this was widely used.

 
“She got her own house, she got her own car;” now women can afford to support themselves. Because of this, the goal of a romantic relationship has shifted from economical and familial stability to the development of love and emotional support. This is highly beneficial because it subdues the possibility of financial issues causing a rift in your otherwise compatible relationship. As a woman develops her financial stability, she may also notice that she gains more power in her relationship, because, citing John Gray’s Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus: men see achievement in primarily monetary terms while women see it in emotional terms. So in order for your partner to see you as an equal, you must provide for yourself. The same reasoning applies to your emotional side too; you have to be happy on your own in order to add to someone else’s happiness. Little Miss. Independent is a satisfied, happy woman; so she attracts more men and is desirable to date. When a woman is financially secure, the only reason you would date her is because you are attracted to her as a PERSON and you want to spend time with her. Men like feeling appreciated but not needed, Little Miss Independent knows the difference.

 
Now us, women are able to be more selective when finding our mates because we look for things like complementary needs, social homogeny (being in similar social circles or having similar social interests and habits), propinquity (being close to someone, or having repeated contact with them), value consensus, (male/female) role compatibility, and most importantly love. This is a clear shift from our past held values of fulfilling social, familial, and economic obligations. These ancient values foster set-ups that included the women as the home maker and the man as the bread winner. Now, those familial obligations have moved to the periphery while values such as emotional security and love have begun to take the stage. 
It seems that men (well, the men we want) respect independent women because they know what they want, and they know how to get what they want. Attention cougars: men I ask say that a reason they like older women more than younger women is because older women have their life in order. This is a quality guys admire because most of their emotional needs are being met so they’re less of a “burden” to men. Subsequently, relationships can focus more on the love aspect where both partners can be seen as equals. Also, it allows for the couple to stop relying on each other for their emotional stability. Relationships like these have less pressure and are more fun and easy. Relationships shouldn’t be hard and the more expectations you put for men to meet your emotional needs the more it will push them away.

 
That’s why you have to be your best friend and take action YOURSELF towards the life you want to have. That way, you can relish in your accomplishments even more than if someone helped you. If you surround yourself with friends that can help you through emotional hardships and hang-ups then you may appear more refreshed in your romantic relationships; which, in turn, may cause men to better enjoy your company and help the development of romantic feelings. When you can cater to all your individual needs yourself with the exception of your companionship, sexual and love needs; you are in control of your relationship. All the Samantha Joneses out there reading this are silently nodding, because I think most women can agree that they would rather have the ball in their court instead of the other way around.