Trust me I know how hard break-ups are, I’ve had my fair share but I wanted to share what I learned about coping with them and moving on so I can help yours be a little easier. The following tips can help you make the transition easier for yourself and embrace moving on. The biggest challenge in dating is to give up searching for that special someone and instead, focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize that person and they can appreciate you when you find each other. Because the truth is, relationships will find you when you’re not seeking them, sometimes even when you’re not necessarily ready. So you need to work on embracing and accepting your break-up, learning why it ended and what you will change, and recognize it as an opportunity for new, maybe even greater possibilities. Because if you don’t move on, that special someone might just pass you by without you realizing it.
Most people think if you have a great spark with someone, or a great love, you should have a relationship with them. This is not necessarily the case, as we grow older and date more we may fall in love a hand full of times, but that doesn’t mean that every person we love is the person we could marry and spend the rest of our lives with. Sometimes, people may mistakenly think that if the relationship ended, the ex didn’t really care about them as much they thought or felt, and it results in feelings of rejection. But if we can embrace the fact that caring or loving the person isn’t the only key to a relationship, we can more easily end relationships that aren’t the healthiest without guilt or fear of hurting the other person.
“It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” by Sex and the City (the Series) screen writer Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola- Behrendt is a great book that explains people’s (women’s more than men’s) tendency to focus on how great a relationship was instead of how it currently is. We need to remember that actions speak louder than words, sometimes even if our partner is expressing a desire to change, it's not enough. Things are easier said than done. Another book that helps is He’s Just Not That Into You, which turns down excuses that women make for men treating them badly. Some examples are s/he’s just not that into you if: s/he’s not calling you, s/he’s not having sex with you, s/he's having sex with someone else,s/he doesn't want to marry you [when you want to marry him/her] (or doesn’t even consider having a future with you),s/he's breaking up with you,s/he disappeared on you, s/he's married (or any other insane variation of being unavailable). You need to genuinely believe that you deserve to have a great relationship with someone that treats you respectfully, anything less than that is settling.
So take a clean break. Cut off all contact for at least 2 weeks, do not respond to texts, try not to listen to voicemails, and please don’t torture yourself by looking at their Facebook pictures. If the urge to text or call your ex is hard to suppress have a phone buddy that you can call whenever you’re tempted to call them who can talk you out of it and help support you with your feelings (again mostly directed to women). Don’t associate with the person if you have a choice. Obviously dating someone in your same social circle can make this more difficult, don’t sacrifice hanging out with your crew to avoid your ex just try to be cordial and don’t engage them in conversation especially about the break-up this will just arouse more emotions and it can hinder your positive mentality about the relationship. Box up everything that reminds you of the person (photos, gifts) and place it somewhere inaccessible (a friend’s house, the basement). You don’t need any reminders of what you had with that person to stir up old emotions and make things harder. Also, this serves as a sense of closure on the relationship, you won’t be as willing to just bounce back because it is easier than being alone.
Why end on a bad note? You can embrace the end of your relationship without the bad feelings associated by recognizing what went wrong and that it’s not necessarily that your ex doesn’t care, it’s just not working. This way, you can learn from every experience and enter new relationships, or being single, with a level head. Obviously, you saw something in the person you were dating, so recognize the person they are while trying to forgive any mistakes they have made. As mentioned in “It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” it might be helpful to make a chart with your ex’s pros and cons. To do this, take a really unflattering picture of your ex for the cons side and a good picture for the pros side and list all their flaws and strengths honestly (and make sure the cons side is longer). This acceptance will aid your ability to move on in a healthy way. Every teach you things you need in future relationships, things to avoid, and non-negotiables (things you can't tolerate in a mate). So why can’t we think of our break-ups as hopeful? It’s better to end a stagnant, unhealthy relationship then to lie to yourself and waste more time.
Many people will move on quickly to another “rebound” relationship in order to cope with the false notion that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” but this isn’t a healthy way to deal with a break-up. A better way to move on, is to take some time to explore yourself and accept your feelings. If you don’t, you might be apt to: attract the wrong person (because the right ones only like you when you’re at your best), bring unnecessary baggage into a new relationship, or sabotage the new relationship by relying on the other person to fill that void in you. Without properly handing your emotions, they will never improve. Save yourself a lot of time and money on counseling in the future by dealing with your feelings properly now. Even though you’re broken up your ex still deserves respect. Respect your ex by honoring what you two used to have and by not quickly jumping into a new relationship making your ex feeling dispensable. And above all don’t act on vengence, that is an unhealthy coping mechanism, it doesn’t solve the problem it just shifts it and it could make things worst for you.
Instead of trying to replace your ex, celebrate YOU by throwing yourself a break-up party. Invite single friends, especially the ones that have always been in the back of your mind, the ones who you’ve always wanted to be with but something was in the way- everyone has them. This way, you will associate break-ups as being positive and cheerful. Buy yourself a gift for being so strong or go and pamper yourself as a reward for leaving that unfavorable relationship. Use this opportunity to nurture the most important person, YOU! Because in the end, all we have is ourselves so we need to turn break-ups into a positive experience by looking at what we did wrong, what we can do better, what we learned.
If you’re not into my party idea at least try to refresh yourself by igniting old passions and hobbies, or friends that went to the wayside when you were in your relationship. Paint that picture you always wanted to paint but didn’t have time to, go to that hot yoga class you were always curious about, or read that book you never got to reading. See this break-up as an opportunity for hope and improvement. Participating in old hobbies or things that are important to you will make you feel better about yourself, as well as feeling satisfied and accomplished in what you do. Imagine the ideal person you want to be (again a list will help with this) and list attractive traits or characteristics. Then, write down things you can DO to be more like the ideal person you want to be. Look back and think about what you learned about the relationship, while still cherishing those memories and the person’s place in your life. You don’t have to hate your ex; obviously you saw something in them that led you to date them. According to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in Dating, “each time we use dating as an opportunity [to connect with someone on mental, emotional, physical, and intimate levels] our ability to discern and recognize the right person increases.” So come out of this relationship better (and stronger) than you went in and you will be able to open your heart to let somebody better come into your life.
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