Check out this article in the Halloween edition of Her Campus Magazine www.hercampus.com/maryland. But get a preview of it on Ms. Date Guru!
Now a days Dating is all about "playing the game" I'm sure you've heard about the Mystery Method and The Natural Attraction Method that breaks down player tendencies in an easy to follow step-by-step formula to teach men to go from chump to player. But these points are mute now as more and more women are reading these books and learning men's tricks. Conversely, some men try to be the nice guys and hand out "treats" to women but even that has a rep- "nice guys finish last" So how much are these games really helping? I asked guys and girls to weigh in on what games work and which ones don't.
My girlfriends commented that one of the most common games guys play is the "No Means Yes Game". It is a common assumption (at least among the immature men ie. highschoolers and lowerclassmen in college) which they take to be fact. Men rationalize this behavior by citing women's tendency to be passive aggressive. It is further compounded in situations where men will ask women what is wrong, but they say nothing- while they're secretly boiling over in anger. So let's kill this game once and for all girls by being straight forward in your communication with guys.
Some men, play the game of preying on women who are taken. They always want what they can't have and they will pursue their close friends' girlfriends putting them in compromising situations. Women often fall in this trap because they want to be close with their man's friends but it's hard to draw the line between being friendly and being too close. These men will take advantage of women when they are in vunerable positions like when their guy just cheated on them, or they got into a fight with a boyfriend. These leeches like to go after women who are alreayd pre-screened. They aren't even attracted to single girls .
Another common game a lot of women are familiar with is only discovered after they start dating the man. They come to find that the man is a totally different person when they start dating. One of my friends complained that her boyfriend had an angry and violent side that only came out after they started dating. This is misleading to women because men act on their best behavior when courting a girl but then get lazy when they are dating her. This is common in couples who never fight until after they are committed, if this is the case in your relationship, beware!
My guys friends were really helpful in explaining the major games girls play. The biggest and most hated game by the male sex is playing hard to get. Yes, it's a classic but now, women take it even further by acting like they aren't easy and hiding their true sexual intents. Men see through this act, because they can get a feeling for when a women is going out of her way to stop the physical. And men soon find out their real attitude and are turned off by the fakeness. So women, please follow your head and heart equally when making decisions about hooking up and don't put up an act to get respect form a guy- because it will do the opposite.
Another and probably men's most hated game, "The Let's Be Freinds Game". My boyfriend gave me insight about this game through his past experiences. He noted that at least in his case, women use this strategy to tease and mainpulate the man. The ultimate goal of this is breaking the guy, getting satisfaction, or getting the tables turned whereby the women will passively want the man to make advances without making their intentions clear. Ironically, the goal of it is what the women wanted in the beginning, the man to do the pursuing. When two attractive people are friends, or they hang out for a long time, they are bound to sleep together. Think about the classic movie, When Harry Met Sally, if there's one thing to learn from this movie, it's that when men and women are attractive and attracted to each other, it is impossible to be friends.
The asshole game is another classic approach, although it has a high failure rate. In it, men try to act like they have no respect for women and see if this will increase women's attraction. Albeit, this may only work if the woman has low self-esteem, it is usually a bad approach to try and is well known by men and women. Because why would you want to be an asshole to someone you like? And why would you want to date a women who is attracted to an asshole
I know Halloween is around the corner but make sure you are prepared when these tricks and treats come your way.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Key to Succeeding in Long Distance Relationships
While reading the title, you're probably pretty intrigued, no one has pin pointed a sure fire way to make these work. Most people just wing it and hope it works out but are crushed in the end when it doesn't. And still others, think that they have no chance to work out. You probably have friends who have struggled with long distance relationships and most have failed. But I challenge you also recall some people who have stuck it out and made it work. These people are the ones who give people hope in them and open the possibility of it working. These are the ones who have inspired may failed long distance relationships. Recently I chatted with my ex-boyfriend. We dated long distance for about 2 years, we rehashed what went wrong and right and figured out the key to making it work. So I will share our insight, so you don't need to go through the suffering we did in order to learn the secret to successful long distance relationships.
You can save your self the time and strain because there is one key that will determine the degree of success a long distance relationship will have- before it is even started! People that succeed in long distance relationships, that is those who stay together, are ones that have established the foundation of their relationship before they were apart. They worked to create, develop an establish a real connection centered around mutual respect, romantic intimacy, and trust for each other before the distance. That's why even a strong immediate connection with someone is not enough.
Say you meet someone on a vacation and you really mesh well with them and think you have a possibility to make it work- you're wrong. Because after a certain point the relationship will dissolve under the weight of temptation, different priorities, etc. Even when your long distance relationship is with a childhood friend or best friend it is risky because the transition from friends to a relationship relies so much on developing a romantic connection through touch etc. The intimacy of a close friend is not the same as one with a lover or partner. Proximity is the most important feature in developing relationships. The truth is there are so many fish in the sea, and it is hard to realistically accept we have only one soul mate on Earth that is destined to be our life partner. Usually if the relationship does continue long distance it is for other reasons- lack of other options, low self-confidence, or lack of motivation and these reasons are out of the scope of your partner.
It is hard to have a successful and meaningful relationship if you don't have any future intentions or plans to be in the same place in the future. In addition to cohabitation which a huge trend now in dating, a less popular but still emerging trend has developed in which couples live in the same city/area but apart (in different apartments), but new problems like time commitment, lack of touch, and the need to make more sacrifices and compromises get in the way when relationships are limited by distance.
Although a person may be right for you in every way, if they are not willing to be close with you physically as well it could signal a lack of commitment. Uprooting one's life is a hard task and that responsibility usually falls in the woman's lap because of men's generally higher earnings and the fact that jobs are a bigger part of men's identity than women's- although this gap is shrinking. So a partner's unwillingness to do this may be the kiss of death to most long distance relationships- to those who are realistic. You can't have a full bodied connection with someone if they are far away from you. And because long distance is such a hard commitment to keep, you want to make sure there is willingness from both sides.
When you are long distance for a certain time period, it may be easier to carry on knowing you will at some point be able to build upon the relationship. Why would you want to date someone long distance that you know you have no future with? Because essentially a long distance relationship is an depreciated investment and your heart is the currency-keep this in mind when you start one because you may come out with a broken heart. But I would advise continuing with a relationship if it healthy and developed especially if you can see a future. The moment when you see this isn't a possibility it is wise to re-evaluate the investment because you may find that you want to cut your losses.
You can save your self the time and strain because there is one key that will determine the degree of success a long distance relationship will have- before it is even started! People that succeed in long distance relationships, that is those who stay together, are ones that have established the foundation of their relationship before they were apart. They worked to create, develop an establish a real connection centered around mutual respect, romantic intimacy, and trust for each other before the distance. That's why even a strong immediate connection with someone is not enough.
Say you meet someone on a vacation and you really mesh well with them and think you have a possibility to make it work- you're wrong. Because after a certain point the relationship will dissolve under the weight of temptation, different priorities, etc. Even when your long distance relationship is with a childhood friend or best friend it is risky because the transition from friends to a relationship relies so much on developing a romantic connection through touch etc. The intimacy of a close friend is not the same as one with a lover or partner. Proximity is the most important feature in developing relationships. The truth is there are so many fish in the sea, and it is hard to realistically accept we have only one soul mate on Earth that is destined to be our life partner. Usually if the relationship does continue long distance it is for other reasons- lack of other options, low self-confidence, or lack of motivation and these reasons are out of the scope of your partner.
It is hard to have a successful and meaningful relationship if you don't have any future intentions or plans to be in the same place in the future. In addition to cohabitation which a huge trend now in dating, a less popular but still emerging trend has developed in which couples live in the same city/area but apart (in different apartments), but new problems like time commitment, lack of touch, and the need to make more sacrifices and compromises get in the way when relationships are limited by distance.
Although a person may be right for you in every way, if they are not willing to be close with you physically as well it could signal a lack of commitment. Uprooting one's life is a hard task and that responsibility usually falls in the woman's lap because of men's generally higher earnings and the fact that jobs are a bigger part of men's identity than women's- although this gap is shrinking. So a partner's unwillingness to do this may be the kiss of death to most long distance relationships- to those who are realistic. You can't have a full bodied connection with someone if they are far away from you. And because long distance is such a hard commitment to keep, you want to make sure there is willingness from both sides.
When you are long distance for a certain time period, it may be easier to carry on knowing you will at some point be able to build upon the relationship. Why would you want to date someone long distance that you know you have no future with? Because essentially a long distance relationship is an depreciated investment and your heart is the currency-keep this in mind when you start one because you may come out with a broken heart. But I would advise continuing with a relationship if it healthy and developed especially if you can see a future. The moment when you see this isn't a possibility it is wise to re-evaluate the investment because you may find that you want to cut your losses.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Boys Say The Darndest Things
I know you've probably heard time and time again that guys will say anything to get you bed. People would tell me that guys would say they love you just to hook-up and I would always roll my eyes. But times have changed, guys now use sneakier lines and methods to get you to do the nasty. Sorry guys, but I'm uncovering your secrets now.
A common line they use is, "Wanna come over and watch a movie," girls beware when you hear this, because boys have one thing on their mind and it isn't the movie. One of my friends recently shared an encounter where she went over a guy's house to watch a movie and when she tried to resist his advances he told her, "Did you really think that I JUST wanted to watch a movie?" Well yes, girls usually take what guys say for face value instead of looking at guy's intentions.
I was inspired by a song called First Date Sex by Mike Posner where he pretty much mentions all of them. In it he says, "I'll still call you 'cause I wanna f*** again". Wrong, guys think more clearly after the sex than before, he achieved his sexual conquests and will be less interested while women will become more interested. So you must assess men's intention. Be real with yourself if you're unsure and hold off on hooking up until you're confident he respects you.
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