The best possible tips I can suggest is using behavior descriptions and XYZ statements. I guarantee it will SIGNIFICANTLY improve most communication struggles and relationship issues. If you take away one idea from this post, make it this and use it always to diffuse negativity in arguments. Make sure you identify specifically what bothered you and make sure to focus on discrete, manageable behaviors that can be readily changed vs. attacking your partner’s character. An XYZ statement is “When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z” make sure you use the past tense and avoid things like “you never” or “you always”.
1. Gather all possible info.
Don’t make any accusations or assumptions. As a general guideline only talk about things that are concrete, not open-ended. And there’s no disagreement about someone’s feelings- they are facts. You can’t argue that your partner feels a certain way.
2. Set time limit for good intentions.
I know this one might not sound practical but just have a general idea of how long you will talk BEFORE you start the conversation. Usually, people get emotional about 15 or 20 minutes in so you should try to make your argument about that long. It may be helpful to talk during a show (from one commercial break to the next) or while your putting the dishes/laundry away. Distracting yourself by doing a task while you’re talking will prevent you from getting into a heated argument but make sure you’re being sensitive to what your partner is saying. Some people that are married find that having a scheduled time to air out issues works best for them but make sure you don't bottle up your feelings and talk about issues in a timely fashion.
3. Focus on the issue NOT past problems.
Time and time again I hear from friends that they have the same argument over and over. This isn’t productive the point of a fight is conflict resolution, if you fight about the same things you failed at resolving conflict. You must figure out something to do about and then drop the issue. Don’t bring up past conflicts into new arguments, constantly holding something against someone will make them feel attacked and again prompt them to protect their self-image and be defensive.
4. Don’t try to change something that is impossible to change.
You have to be realistic some things about people are at the core of their personality or are things they really like about themselves which you can’t change.
5. Don’t start a fight that can’t be finished.
If you know you don’t have much time to chat, you should “plan” a better time to do so. Your partner wants to be validated and recognized so show you care about what they have to say. People are more likely to argue when they are hungry or tired so avoid a bad situation by picking a better time. Wanting to be able and ready for a discussion also shows you respect your partner.
6. Argue in private.
If you have an issue magnifying it by bringing it up in public will only make it worst. It’s damaging to someone’s ego to be yelled at and it’s especially demeaning to guys. Plus, airing out your grievances in public just makes you look less solid as a couple.
7. If both parties participate.
This is self-explanatory, don’t ignore your partner or walk away it takes 2 to tango. Unhappy couples don’t hear each other and barely check understanding.
8. Be aware of your body language
When people fight sometimes they have the tendency to show aggressive body language, which puts others on the defensive. That’s what we want to avoid. Doing things like turning away, leaning back, averting your gaze, being less animated while talking, and having a less pleasant facial expression can give the impression that you don’t care and may leave your partner hurt. Obviously it’s hard to control for all these things but just be aware of the non-verbal signals you’re sending. Also, when people get angry they tend to clench their fists or breath heavily. Taking some (6) deep breaths will help because it lowers your heart rate and you need a fast heart rate to be angry.
9. Identify realistic goals.
This goes along with identifying specific behaviors. You must come up with a solution to the problem that you both are happy with. Some issues are deep rooted in your partner’s personality and may signify incompatibility, you should recognize these issues early and know they can’t be changed. The best solution is usually a compromise.
Avoid:
• Mind-reading: wrongly assuming you know what your partner is saying INSTEAD engage in active listening by para-phrasing what they said to check understanding. It shows that you care about understanding how they feel and are willing to work it out. People that perceive unpleasant motives are more unhappy in their relationships.
• Interrupting: Respect your partner by hearing out what they have to say
• Cross-complaining: This is when you respond to a complaint with another (sometimes even unrelated) complaint. Instead rephrase the complaint and ask the person how they felt for calmer discussion.
• Off beam Wandering: Happens when you don’t stay on a problem long enough to resolve it, usually bringing up another problem. To avoid this try talking out one issue at a time.
• Criticism & Contempt: attack your partner’s personality and character and shows aggressiveness and disrespect. Includes insults, mockery and hostile humor
• Defensiveness: When people prevent themselves from unreasonable attack. It doesn’t address the problem and when fighting the RIGHT way, this isn’t present.
• Stone walling: Withdrawing into silence or ignoring your partner.
• Belligerence: Is destructive, aggressive and rejecting. Instead be respectful and polite
• Crying: It shifts the blame from the actual issue. If you get to this point, you failed at controlling your emotions which is essential for conflict resolution and you will leave your partner feeling more angry or guilty and doesn’t solve the problem in any way.
But DO: say what you mean without attacking
• Stay polite and cool: Avoiding the temptation to act hostile towards your partner by sending clear messages and listening better
• Sarcastic people should establish a "non-sarcastic self" in disagreements, making snide, funny remarks will add insult to injury in fights and may appear insensitive. There is a time and place to joke around and fighting is not one of them.
• I statements: describe how you feel instead of attacking your partner for something.
• The power of respect and recognition: It can make disagreements more tolerable.
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