The Origins of Seduction- Casanova’s Story

I welcome my guest blogger, who goes by Ice (because he's really good at breaking the ice) who shed light on the life of Casanova after reading his memoir called, "The Story of My Life." Although in present day there are many player, pick up artists or seducers, none of them can boast that they have a 100% clean record like Giacomo Casanova who is considered to the greatest lover of women with over a hundred sexual conquests in his lifetime. None the less, his immersion into the world of seduction, love, and games was learned when he was played by his host sister, Batina. In a span of several months, she played the infamous game that many today are acquainted with in the world of dating, or at that time, courting. She consumed his thoughts with burning desire, and constant thoughts of her, just like in modern day men would be consumed with thoughts of women they adore and admire. Nonetheless, Casanova was fortunate to get back with Batina, when she was plaqued by an illness that put sores all over her face, and he effectively turned the table on her because now that she was ugly, he had the power. After all this torture Casanova came to learn women’s guil or cleverness when it come to games. He didn’t take things for face value and he became more conscious and aware which led to his gradual confidence and charisma that his exploits are known for.

This serves to show that even the greatest have to fall- at least once. The point was further proven in the movie, The Ugly Truth, where the main character Mike Chadway was a crass, arrogant player in the love game. He told it “how it is” and did not sugar coat anything, making the trails and tribulations of love seem trivial and boiled down to the fact that men will only like you for your looks, and they will only stick around if you’re not a bother. He ruled out any stipulations of love saying it was a manufactured construct only available in romance novels and women’s imaginations. He dispels love saying women only look for the utopian man, from the example in the movie, Katherine Hiegel’s checklist. He says women don’t fall in love with men they fall in love with you perfectly manicured resumes and the careful venal decisions they make in life. Saying women would trade “money over substance, looks over soul, and polish over principle”. So don’t be afraid to fall and get hurt, it’s better to learn trail by fire than to accept it and move on. Have an open mind, don’t be attached to the outcome because that first fall is the open door to seduction possibility and you need to experience it in order to learn. And women, this may explain why men can be so harsh and cold as a 23 year old man, Danny said, "Men commit to women on an emotional level at an earlier age. most men I know that they loved their first girlfriend. but when she broke their heart, they decided not to go through the pain again."

The Answer to All Your Problems

One of the hardest thing I encounter being Ms. Date Guru is people coming up to me expecting me to have the perfect answer. That is the predicament many psychologists face during their careers. What people don’t know is they have to come to the answer themselves. Because, regardless of my expertise if I tell someone to do something they don’t want to do, they won’t do it. A lot of people know the right answer, but it’s hard to swallow. Often times you don’t want to do the right thing because they are too tough. Because like the old adage says, “No one said it would be easy, they merely said it would be worth it.”

Another thing is people complain that things are easier said than done. That is harder to practice than to preach but first come thoughts and then come actions. Quoting one of my favorite books, How to Make Friends and influence People, “Action seems to follow feeling but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not. “ I feel like that pretty much summarizes people’s problems with changing their behavior or actions. Many think that they have to change their thoughts or feelings first and often fail because that is very hard to do. First, you must change your actions or behavior and that will lead to the right feelings and mind set. Like I tell many of my friends and confidants, “Fake it ‘till you make it.” If you don’t think you’re special enough to be treated well, you won’t earn that treatment and therefore will be disrespected by friends and lovers alike.

And going along with that, one has to be able to picture what they want in order to get it. Take the classic unrequited love example say you have a crush on the most popular boy or a teen idol. Of course you don’t have the slightest chance with them because you put them at such a high pedestal and I’m betting many women have had these crushes and not acted on them because they thought they were so far off. Well the girls who end up dating the most popular guy and the cocktail waitresses that end up dating Michael Phelps don’t see them as an untouchable celebrity, in fact they think, this guy should be lucky to have me, and the men end up believing it. And take it from me, the attitude tweak really does work, it may sound hard or counter-productive but think it and in time, the change will come.

What Not to Say After a Hook-up:

      While on the bus from NYC earlier this week I spoke to a man, let’s just call him the “One Night Wonder”, who has a lot of experience with hook-ups (hence the name). I found him to be a rare breed of man who’s longest relationship was 2 months- you know what I’m thinking- commit-a-phobe! I mentioned my blog to him and he asked me to let all my loyal readers know about one thing not to say after a hook-up:

“did we have sex last night?”

     Now, I know a lot of you honestly don’t know this but the worst thing to do is to let the guy know that you were blackout during sex. The first step is to look around for a used condom- that’s a sure sign that you had an intimate night. Note: Guys pretty much always remember sex (because usually the machinery malfunctions if they are blackout), so letting him know that you don’t remember can be pretty hurtful. As soon as they hear that they wonder if they took advantage of you, if you’re not interested in him, and, above all, what a mess of a girl you are.

       So don’t let them in on that you don’t remember and save what little dignity you have left (harsh, but true). If you’re concerned about protection and safety, well, girlfriend, you shouldn’t have gotten drunk to the point of losing memory! Women regret hook-ups more than men, so just keep that in mind when you make your hook-up decisions (there are such things as beer goggles you know). Also, some men may see flirting and friendliness as an open invitation of hooking up- especially if it’s over a night of heavy drinking- so make sure you’re not sending mixed messages. And be careful not to stick around one guy’s side all night, guys take that as a strong invitation as well.

      If you find yourself in this sticky predicament there are two paths out of it. If you know the guy, and are interested in him, you should initiate another hook-up in the morning (a wake-up call). This can be a test to see how far you took it the night before and to redeem yourself by asserting yourself as an independent, confident, sexual woman. This will take away any doubt in his head that it was uncalled for. Yes, guys really do care about this and would feel hurt to learn that they took advantage of someone. Most guys think a girl is fine if they hook-up with her. For most guys (and I stress most) the cardinal rule is not to hook-up with a super drunk girl- but a lot of times the line between drunk and just tipsy is blurry.

       The second possibility is waking up to someone you aren't too familiar with, and aren't to comfortable now waking up next to. In this case, just smile politely, put on your clothes and get the hell out. You may have to hear it from your friends later, but what's done is done and you should probably think about how to avoid this happening again. To save face it’s best to not ask the guy about sex, but you can if you really want to. Of course, you’re taking the risk of hearing a lie. The true lesson is that no girl with much respect for herself should be getting drunk to the point of not remembering sex- sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties! Take care of yourselves girls!

Birthdays

This blog is dedicated to Mike Gustafson on his 21^st birthday! Why is it that girls make birthdays such a bigger deal than guys do? Except for the standard 21 and 18 birthdays, guys really don’t care about birthdays. They don’t count down like girls do, they don’t throw annual lavish parties like girls do, and they don’t get each other gifts like girls do. So guys if you only did one small thing for your girl, giving her the VIP treatment on her birthday should be it. Not only will you make her feel like a princess and earn a lot of brownie points with her but you’ll also impress her friends and family so spotlight’s on her for her special day.

So I speculated reasons as to why it may be more important for girls than guys. To understand, you must first know what a birthday is, it means you’re getting one year older so some may see them as getting one year closer to death. Since guys are concerned with achievement more so than girls, they see birthdays this way, like a warning: you have one year less to do everything you aim to do. But girls, who give birth see birthdays as a celebration of life. They are more dear to us because most of us in the future will provide someone with a birthday, something only unique to women, as opposed to the other aspects of parenting that both parents share. We like to celebrate life because most women outlive men so we must embrace that and throw celebrations for ourselves because as we get older there will less men and immediate family in our lives to celebrate with. After all, every girl wants to be the leading lady of their own lives and there’s no better time to play the part than on her birthday.

In addition, girls pay more attention to interpersonal interactions and relationships so that’s why they like to share and celebrate their birthdays with people while boys more value achievement and strength and look down upon showing emotions, so sharing birthdays isn’t as important.

Attention FHA (Future Husbands of America lol Stacey): In order to give her the VIP treatment every princess deserves on her birthday you should do any/all of the following: including but not limited to a heart-felt card (buying a card doesn’t count make sure you write a personal message-no short cuts on her birthday), chocolates or some baked goods, something for pleasure she would enjoy whether it be fluffy and cute, some music she like (mixed CDs are great), a book for the intellectual girls out there, and/or some type of jewelry (I would suggest bracelets, it’s really hard to pick a hideous one).

Don’t worry girls, you don’t have to do much to please your man on his birthday, just making a cake or surprising him with a sexy outfit will do. Now celebrate away!