After one too many swipes on
Tinder your finger is cramping, and you finally come to the realization that
everyone you date is a commitaphobe. You think, “If every person I met
wasn’t so emotionally unavailable I would actually find that long lasting relationship
I’ve always hoped for right?” WRONG. You probably think the problem can’t be
you. You’re the one that’s trying to stay in contact, making the plans, making
the effort all in hopes that it will lead to a genuine connection with someone
you can mutually love, support, and care for.
Then again your problem is you've unknowingly created a pattern of pursuing/falling for people that are
emotionally unavailable, and in that case, this article is for you. For the sake of
convenience let’s refer to the emotionally unavailable as “EmoNavi”. You may
think the solution is as simple as trying to date different emotionally
balanced people or taking yourself off the market but there’s
no way around it.
The only way to stop being attracted to EmoNavi is to work on becoming more Emotionally Balanced yourself.
And the only way to start becoming more Emotionally Balanced is
to recognize why you’re not. I will take you through
the characteristics, how to identify the reason for pursuing EmoNavi, and how
to break the pattern for good so that you can finally move on, and welcome
healthy, new relationships in your life.
Often
times when someone is emotionally unavailable, it makes them physically
unavailable too. They are constantly tied up with something, unresponsive, or
have a wealth of excuses as to why they can’t be there for you. But the EmoNavi
won’t flinch to call you or knock on your door if they are in pain or in need
of some physical or emotional reassurance for their problems. But note: this
can also be a trait of unbridled narcissism along with EmoNavi, perhaps your
partner may be a little of both?
Not
only are the EmoNavi un-reliable with plans to get together they are wishy
washy in their communications as well. Examples of this are: going long periods
of time without any communication, trying to track you down through mutual
friends instead of contacting you directly, other times EmoNavi may partake in
passive communication like chatting, commenting/liking your social media,
sending snap chats all to avoid real, direct, communication. Your friends might
ask you, “How’s _________” and the only thing you can say is “I have no idea,”
that’s a telling sign your partner is EmoNavi.
Often times, people get tied into
these relationship because of patterns that make them attracted to EmoNavis
(detailed in the next section), or because we see their potential so we buy
into their excuses actually believing them, or it could be both.
Just remember when you give someone a CHANCE, it’s because you really want them to CHANGE.
But you can’t expect anyone to
want to change except for themselves, and for that reason the 3 strike rule is
a good measure to follow. You need to set the bar on how your partner treats
you. If you’re allowing EmoNavi to be distant, act one way in one setting and
then be MIA for a week, making the bare minimum effort without so much of an
acknowledgement…You’re letting them assign your value, probably lower than you
actually deserve. Bottom line: If you’re dating someone who not only doesn’t
ask about you but who also doesn’t seem to know what you’re up to on a
day-to-day level, well it might be time to reassess the situation.
Reasons for Pursuing/Falling For EmoNavis:
While
most dating articles or blogs will not mention this I think my readers should
know: If you’re pursuing EmoNavis and continuously fall for them, you are
EmoNavi too! Most people who are emotionally balanced and 100% available repel
EmoNavis for the most part, due to their confidence armour which doesn’t allow
them to feel comfortable in an EmoNavi situation for very long. Important to
note though, that some EmoNavi behaviors or red flags may be hard to decode/notice
at first but after 3 or 4 dates the emotionally balanced come to find the truth
and start running for the hills.
How To Break The Pattern:
By
simply stopping and reading this blog up to this point, you are acknowledging
awareness that you or someone you know is dealing with the EmoNavi problem, and that is the first step to change. By being open to using some of the
suggestions detailed below you will start to internalize these healing
mechanisms that will actually help eliminate the codependency patterns you have
reinforced. By removing co-dependant habits you will notice an increase
self-efficacy, confidence, so that you fall back in love with yourself again.
And most importantly, removing EmoNavi habits will make you whole and able to
welcome love in your life in a new & healthy way. So what
to do?
Identify a pattern you keep
repeating. Some common examples: Rushing into sex too quickly, having a
chaotic lifestyle, not dating long enough, falling for someone too fast,
avoiding transparency & openness early on in the relationship, or something
else you had no idea you were doing (your close friends or family may be able
to help you with that).
Relinquish Your Need to Control. Stop doing the emotional chasing. You don’t have to be right all the
time, if you’re partner doesn’t agree with something you want it’s not always
about you. Let the powerless feeling sink in, it’s impossible to control your
partner without force so be more accepting.
Live by TAO. This is
one of my golden rules of relationships, in general, from work to family to romantic
relationships and it is particularly applicable in this case in order to build
trust with your partner. EmoNavi tend to have difficulties becoming emotionally
balanced because they are so hurt and cannot build real, lasting trusting bonds
with others.
T- Transparency: Be forthcoming with what you tell your partner, stressing the importance of communication. Never give your partner a reason to question you. Transparency is perhaps the biggest pillar of trust
A- Acceptance: Be accepting of all of your partners past, present, and future worries especially when it comes to their ex, family/work issue or whatever else is making them EmoNavi. Knowing that they have your unconditional love and support can help them heal their emotional wounds just like putting Neosporin and a Band-Aid would heal a flesh wound.
O- Openness: Answer all questions or worries, help them feel reassured. It’s when you don’t think of holding anything back or hiding anything about what you do or feel to your partner.
Keep in mind, that you don't need
to change everything about yourself- you just need to switch your
focus. Specifically, you need to switch from focusing your energy into
obtaining EmoNavi’s affection to focusing on your own personal and emotional
needs. Focus your time and energy on the friends and family members that you trust, instead of channeling most of your energy on EmoNavi. Outline where you want to be and where you think you are now. Notice
that your need for affection and intimacy will not make or break you. Once you
cherish yourself everyone will see your light shine from the inside out and
when you least expect it, someone amazing might stroll into your life... just make
sure your shoes are shined!
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