Live the Life You Love and Love the Life You Live: In Relationships and In Life

It just dawned on me how much I love what I do when I was writing a paper for my Advanced Social Psychology Paper on the Attachment Styles in the Context of Family and Couples Psychotherapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and EFT (Emotionally FOcused Couples Therapy)! Then I Googled this quote by Harvey MacKay, “ Find something you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.”  And isn’t that the goal of everyone, to do something they love? I'm sure your parents have told you, I want you to do anything you want, as long as it makes you happy. But how exactly do you make sure you're doingin what you love? I cam across an article entitled, “How To Do What You Love” at: http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html.
And of course it makes good points that we usually associate work with things that are not fun like school. And it also has a lot to do on our parental influences, if we see our parents enjoying their field of work and prospering in it we are hopeful to find a career that we can also enjoy. But often, we see our parents logging in long hours, taking a toll on the family, putting harsh strains on our relationships and atatchments we have with them and our parents have with each other. I found this is often the case with children who feel like they have to fall in line with their parent's line of work because they have an image that getting involved in the family business or becoming a lawyer just like your dad is the only way to achieve success, these are conditions of worth and when you put these on children you uncessairly stunt their cognitive and emtional development The children that really prosper and grow are the ones that were alwasy presenting possibilities and were encouraged with the skills that they did have. 
So how do we get past that and do what we love? Well aren't we essentially just  being trained to be interns from a very young age, and that is true those basic daunting tasks are not fun but they are necessary. Can't we take the same view in love as well, in highschool and college when we begin to date we are just learning what we are looking for and what we are looking to avoid in future romantic partners.  Well I believe the answer I even noticed this quote on sorority sister, Laura's Facebook profile, "We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do."  So take all the relationship stresses in stride because dealing with those will outfit you with the tools you'll need for communication and conflict resolution you will need for marriage. 
The online article, "If you have to like something to do it well, then the most successful people must all like what they do". If you don't enjoy talking to a girl or boyfriend on the phone, or taking them out, then the relationships will suffer. I see this a lot in my friends when they are rocky or even on and off and they are always fighting, but about nothing in particular there is just always tension. I have noticed this tension usually stems from faithful or sexual issues but regardless these relationships are unhealthy and unsuccessful.  In relationships, when you are with someone that makes you so happy and you love then you will be happier, have a better quality fo life, lower in disease, and actually live onger, so make sure you pick accordingly   

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

It may seem shocking how men and women see the same situation differently. Although this is a very extreme example, men may sometimes be insensitive to women. I have found this is especially the case when your boyfriend does something foul and all his friends take his side. 

One time, I was at a party with my ex at the time, but we still were hooking up. I was with him the whole time at the party but the one time I left to say hi to friends he disappeared. His best friend assured me he must be around somewhere. Then a guy at the party showed me a picture, he zoomed on the face- it was my ex...with two girls on him! First of all, never put your self in the position to be pictured doing sexual acts and be safe especially at parties where there are a lot of people around. It would be a good idea to lock the door with all the technology floating around, a drunk mistake could ruin your reputation and possibly your future. 

But back to the story, while his friends did recognize that he didn't make the best decision and sympathized with me, they also congratulated him on his sexual conquest. This support from his friends may have made him feel what he did wasn't wrong when really it was definitely crossing the line. My ex, consequently wasn't  regretful, and he didn't apologize. 

I'm not suggesting to blame guy's bad actions on the fact that they are Martians, while women are Venetians and we speak different languages. Actually, some things that guys do are unforgivable, whether they think so or not. I always say to respect yourself; be aware of that line. Even he is trying to justify or make light of the situation, don't fall for it  because actions speak louder than words. When guys realize you won't play into their games, you will actually earn their respect. 

It may take you to put your foot down and leave for them to grow up and realize their mistake. If Sheila from the article stays with her husband she can pretty much guarantee he will not be faithful. It's clear that she doesn't need car advice, she needs the name of a good marriage counselor. Don't worry girls, eventually all guys grow up. And if they don't, they will get divorced; I wouldn't be surprised if John is. 

Slow & Steady Wins The Race

    Though it's finals week, I'm going to take a break to elaborate on my dear friend Zainab's words of wisdom: "Things that start fast, end fast"
    What I keep hearing time and time again- you need to slow things down in the beginning of a relationship. You need to go through the attraction phase first and then uncertainty.Otherwise you will have that doubt later on in the relationship.
           This was the case for one of my friends recently. She was lonely because she just broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to get validation from another guy. So she jumped into a relationship with one of her guy friends. Needless to say, she was freaked out about how fast they were going and they are not together now because the intentions behind it weren't genuine.
          I even help conduct research about this. My professor is studying how rejection effects  relationship interactions with people who have similiar characteristics. We are slowly finding that if you get rejected, take my friend who was broken up with by her boyfriend, you will look to strengthen NOT weaken relationships with those with similiar characteristics, which in this case was her guy friend who soon turned boyfriend.  In the case of my friend, after having rejection experiences with two guys she was left damaged and unnecessary baggage. She could have avoided this baggage by getting to know her guy friend better before deciding to jump into a relationship with him. She destroyed any possibility of hem being together, even though I thought they would be really compatible.
        
        Recently I was listening to music from my childhood and heard this lyric, "I waited for her call, she always kept me waiting. And if I ever get another chance I'de still ask her to dance because she kept me waiting", in Blink 182's song, Rock Show. I think art imitates life. That's why I urge my friends to fully get to know the guy they are interested in before they become exclusive and then start to date.

        There are a lot of things that may come up the longer you know the person. Some people lay it all on the line in the beginning, like this one guy I met recently who talked about getting arrested the first time we met....huge red flag! But most people present their best selves first and then their inner demons come later. On many levels it is good to know the person well so you know if they have an issues, how to handle them, and if you're even willing to handle them or would rather find someone else.
           I have a guideline for knowing when you know the person well enough to move on to the next level. It is safe to assume you can date if you know the person's family structure (how many brothers/sisters they have, if their parents are divorced/together, how their parents treated them while growing up), how they deal with conflict (do they like to be alone, talk about it), if they are generally a stubborn or easy going person, and if you know enough about their past relationships (if they are ready to jump into a new one or are still hurting from a past experience and whether or not they've ever been love, the degree of seriousness in these relationships). If you know these, you can detect any red flags.
            Make sure you acknowledge red flags and you don't just want to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I see some people who love the idea of someone but don't actually love them. Love is when you can appreciate someone for who they really are which requires you to know them well. When you appreciate someone for who they are as a person, you can recognize that even their flaws make them who they are. Dating and exclusivity are the foundations for love and relationships so make sure you have a strong foundation before you build a house and get to know someone to some extent, if you plan on dating them.

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