Trust me I know how hard break-ups are, I’ve had my fair share but I wanted to share what I learned about coping with them and moving on so I can help yours be a little easier. The following tips can help you make the transition easier for yourself and embrace moving on. The biggest challenge in dating is to give up searching for that special someone and instead, focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize that person and they can appreciate you when you find each other. Because the truth is, relationships will find you when you’re not seeking them, sometimes even when you’re not necessarily ready. So you need to work on embracing and accepting your break-up, learning why it ended and what you will change, and recognize it as an opportunity for new, maybe even greater possibilities. Because if you don’t move on, that special someone might just pass you by without you realizing it.
Most people think if you have a great spark with someone, or a great love, you should have a relationship with them. This is not necessarily the case, as we grow older and date more we may fall in love a hand full of times, but that doesn’t mean that every person we love is the person we could marry and spend the rest of our lives with. Sometimes, people may mistakenly think that if the relationship ended, the ex didn’t really care about them as much they thought or felt, and it results in feelings of rejection. But if we can embrace the fact that caring or loving the person isn’t the only key to a relationship, we can more easily end relationships that aren’t the healthiest without guilt or fear of hurting the other person.
“It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” by Sex and the City (the Series) screen writer Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola- Behrendt is a great book that explains people’s (women’s more than men’s) tendency to focus on how great a relationship was instead of how it currently is. We need to remember that actions speak louder than words, sometimes even if our partner is expressing a desire to change, it's not enough. Things are easier said than done. Another book that helps is He’s Just Not That Into You, which turns down excuses that women make for men treating them badly. Some examples are s/he’s just not that into you if: s/he’s not calling you, s/he’s not having sex with you, s/he's having sex with someone else,s/he doesn't want to marry you [when you want to marry him/her] (or doesn’t even consider having a future with you),s/he's breaking up with you,s/he disappeared on you, s/he's married (or any other insane variation of being unavailable). You need to genuinely believe that you deserve to have a great relationship with someone that treats you respectfully, anything less than that is settling.
So take a clean break. Cut off all contact for at least 2 weeks, do not respond to texts, try not to listen to voicemails, and please don’t torture yourself by looking at their Facebook pictures. If the urge to text or call your ex is hard to suppress have a phone buddy that you can call whenever you’re tempted to call them who can talk you out of it and help support you with your feelings (again mostly directed to women). Don’t associate with the person if you have a choice. Obviously dating someone in your same social circle can make this more difficult, don’t sacrifice hanging out with your crew to avoid your ex just try to be cordial and don’t engage them in conversation especially about the break-up this will just arouse more emotions and it can hinder your positive mentality about the relationship. Box up everything that reminds you of the person (photos, gifts) and place it somewhere inaccessible (a friend’s house, the basement). You don’t need any reminders of what you had with that person to stir up old emotions and make things harder. Also, this serves as a sense of closure on the relationship, you won’t be as willing to just bounce back because it is easier than being alone.
Why end on a bad note? You can embrace the end of your relationship without the bad feelings associated by recognizing what went wrong and that it’s not necessarily that your ex doesn’t care, it’s just not working. This way, you can learn from every experience and enter new relationships, or being single, with a level head. Obviously, you saw something in the person you were dating, so recognize the person they are while trying to forgive any mistakes they have made. As mentioned in “It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken” it might be helpful to make a chart with your ex’s pros and cons. To do this, take a really unflattering picture of your ex for the cons side and a good picture for the pros side and list all their flaws and strengths honestly (and make sure the cons side is longer). This acceptance will aid your ability to move on in a healthy way. Every teach you things you need in future relationships, things to avoid, and non-negotiables (things you can't tolerate in a mate). So why can’t we think of our break-ups as hopeful? It’s better to end a stagnant, unhealthy relationship then to lie to yourself and waste more time.
Many people will move on quickly to another “rebound” relationship in order to cope with the false notion that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” but this isn’t a healthy way to deal with a break-up. A better way to move on, is to take some time to explore yourself and accept your feelings. If you don’t, you might be apt to: attract the wrong person (because the right ones only like you when you’re at your best), bring unnecessary baggage into a new relationship, or sabotage the new relationship by relying on the other person to fill that void in you. Without properly handing your emotions, they will never improve. Save yourself a lot of time and money on counseling in the future by dealing with your feelings properly now. Even though you’re broken up your ex still deserves respect. Respect your ex by honoring what you two used to have and by not quickly jumping into a new relationship making your ex feeling dispensable. And above all don’t act on vengence, that is an unhealthy coping mechanism, it doesn’t solve the problem it just shifts it and it could make things worst for you.
Instead of trying to replace your ex, celebrate YOU by throwing yourself a break-up party. Invite single friends, especially the ones that have always been in the back of your mind, the ones who you’ve always wanted to be with but something was in the way- everyone has them. This way, you will associate break-ups as being positive and cheerful. Buy yourself a gift for being so strong or go and pamper yourself as a reward for leaving that unfavorable relationship. Use this opportunity to nurture the most important person, YOU! Because in the end, all we have is ourselves so we need to turn break-ups into a positive experience by looking at what we did wrong, what we can do better, what we learned.
If you’re not into my party idea at least try to refresh yourself by igniting old passions and hobbies, or friends that went to the wayside when you were in your relationship. Paint that picture you always wanted to paint but didn’t have time to, go to that hot yoga class you were always curious about, or read that book you never got to reading. See this break-up as an opportunity for hope and improvement. Participating in old hobbies or things that are important to you will make you feel better about yourself, as well as feeling satisfied and accomplished in what you do. Imagine the ideal person you want to be (again a list will help with this) and list attractive traits or characteristics. Then, write down things you can DO to be more like the ideal person you want to be. Look back and think about what you learned about the relationship, while still cherishing those memories and the person’s place in your life. You don’t have to hate your ex; obviously you saw something in them that led you to date them. According to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in Dating, “each time we use dating as an opportunity [to connect with someone on mental, emotional, physical, and intimate levels] our ability to discern and recognize the right person increases.” So come out of this relationship better (and stronger) than you went in and you will be able to open your heart to let somebody better come into your life.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?
Quite often nice guys are misinformed in thinking that women are only interested in guys that don’t care about them and don’t treat them right. And it doesn’t help to have songs like, “You’re a Jerk” and images in the media compounding that misconception, making it seem more and more true. But I would beg to argue that is a myth, and women are really attracted to nice guys. After all, how many times have you heard of a girl telling her mom or friend, “he’s just what I’m looking for…he’s such a jerk!”?
It may be easy to generalize that women don’t like nice guys because they often reject men by saying, “You’re nice, but I would just like to be friends.” So then, when men hear this they might mistakenly think the reason the woman isn’t interested was because the man was nice. On that same token, men might think that women are interested in jerks because often they use this word in describing past boyfriends. Women, unknowingly fixate on how bad her ex was treating her making him look unfavorable in other men’s eyes. So it makes sense that nice guys would wonder why she got so involved with him is he was such a “jerk”. But what he doesn’t know is, the woman wouldn’t have gotten involved with him if she hadn’t of thought he was nice when she first met him.
Women like nice guys, but when they are too nice it can turn women off. When a woman is attracted or uncertain and a man is showing more interest, behaving as if they are exclusive or even more, it is easy for her to lose interest. She may be afraid of him getting too attached and hurting him, or if he’s really nice she is afraid he will abandon her when he finds out that she’s not as nice as him. She feels he wants too much, he expects too much, and he gives too much, so she may feel obligated to give back more than she is ready to.
Women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care” because these men are clearly in the attraction or uncertainty stage, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. Women like to be pursued, but when a man is not yet sure about exclusivity and beyond, they come off as very attractive. He is attractive simply because she feels safe backing out or being unsure without the risk of hurting him. When a man comes on really strong, it can make a women feel she doesn’t have the right to feel uncertain. As a result, she never gets the assurance in herself to move into an exclusive relationship.
It may be easy to generalize that women don’t like nice guys because they often reject men by saying, “You’re nice, but I would just like to be friends.” So then, when men hear this they might mistakenly think the reason the woman isn’t interested was because the man was nice. On that same token, men might think that women are interested in jerks because often they use this word in describing past boyfriends. Women, unknowingly fixate on how bad her ex was treating her making him look unfavorable in other men’s eyes. So it makes sense that nice guys would wonder why she got so involved with him is he was such a “jerk”. But what he doesn’t know is, the woman wouldn’t have gotten involved with him if she hadn’t of thought he was nice when she first met him.
Women like nice guys, but when they are too nice it can turn women off. When a woman is attracted or uncertain and a man is showing more interest, behaving as if they are exclusive or even more, it is easy for her to lose interest. She may be afraid of him getting too attached and hurting him, or if he’s really nice she is afraid he will abandon her when he finds out that she’s not as nice as him. She feels he wants too much, he expects too much, and he gives too much, so she may feel obligated to give back more than she is ready to.
Women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care” because these men are clearly in the attraction or uncertainty stage, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. Women like to be pursued, but when a man is not yet sure about exclusivity and beyond, they come off as very attractive. He is attractive simply because she feels safe backing out or being unsure without the risk of hurting him. When a man comes on really strong, it can make a women feel she doesn’t have the right to feel uncertain. As a result, she never gets the assurance in herself to move into an exclusive relationship.
To text or not to text, that is the question
Now, with all the developments of technology, our generation has a lot more to worry about then past generations. Instead of simply writing a letter or going to someone’s house to interact, now we are faced with the increasing complexity of technology, you can email, bbm, text, call, im or facebook chat. So how much is too too much? How much or how little communication is necessary to maintain interest? Hopefully, the following do’s and don’ts will help:
1.) DON’T: repeat text
The fastest way to turn-off/irritate someone you’re interested in is to repeat text, text more than twice without getting a response in a sitting. If the person isn’t responding then they are: busy, figuring out plans, away from the phone, or not interested in talking. Instead, if you want to discuss a somewhat urgent matter (when you need a response in the next couple hours) it’s better to call instead of texting. I look at texting as similar to my facebook wall, you can leave a message for someone at any time and they will get back to you when they have time, but you know they will get the message. And you wouldn’t post multiple things back to back on people’s walls so why do it on their phone? Note: texting question marks, especially multiple ones is the most annoying, it doesn’t achieve anything making them pointless. Please avoid this at all costs, unless you want to drive someone very far away!
2.) DO: Call, when it’s important
When you have a complex issue to discuss, it can be annoying to text back and forth for hours. In this case, it is better to call. If you call and someone doesn’t answer it is appropriate to text if you need something from them or wanted to ask them a question. If you called to talk, wait for them to call you back when they become available.
3.) DO: Reply promptly
If you are keeping your options open or trying to figure out plans, don’t leave people hanging. Let them know you will get back to them, and keep your word. Another thing people find annoying is saying you’re going to call back and then not doing it because you got caught up in other things. Don’t say you’ll call back if you don’t want to, say it when you will actually do it.
4.) DO: Wait to Call/Text….but DON’T: wait too long
When you get someone’s number you should wait at least 2 or 3 days to call or text them in order to keep you from looking desperate (unless you’re calling them right away so they have your number). But make sure you call within a week, so they won’t forget who you are, AND so you don’t lose their number (especially when it’s on a business card or something that’s happened to me before). Another time you should wait to call back is when you don’t have much time to talk. It’s vexing when someone calls you back but has to cut you off in the middle of what you’re saying because they are getting on the metro/driving/need to leave/get ready. You can gauge how much people will be on the phone by past phone interactions. As a general rule, women like to talk on the phone for longer than men so I would advise leaving around 30 minutes open for returning a women’s call.
5. ) DON’T: Be Sneaky
If someone isn’t answering you, calling them from a different number or calling their house phone is not appropriate. It will make them think: why can’t this person just leave me alone? Ignoring people’s calls are also rude unless you want to make a bold statement that you don’t want to talk to them. It’s pretty obvious when you reach a voicemail after 2 rings that you were ignored.
6.) DON’T: Leave a voicemail
This is especially directed to girls: men for the most part, find the voicemail system to be a very long, complicated system so they try to avoid it, unless for professional reasons. One guy I know even let his mailbox fill up so now people can’t leave him any. I wouldn’t suggest doing that because you might miss important calls about professional inquiries or emergency situations. Also sometimes, you’re phone might run out of battery or lose service but you might get some messages when you’re phone resumes about things you missed. Try not to leave voicemails to guys because chances are they won’t get it in a timely fashion and whatever you have to say, you could also text. But leaving voicemails would be acceptable to say a significant other. Leave a cute message (about how you miss them, how much they mean to you) that you would want them listening to over and over like the voice recorder in Build-A-Bear, especially if they are traveling and you’re in different time zones. That way they will get your message and be able to save it for the future.
Finally…..and most important:
7.) DON’T: go through other people’s phones
It is considered highly intrusive and nosey to go through someone’s phone. There is a lot of personal texts and maybe pictures that aren’t for everyone’s eyes to see. Ignorance is bliss and most of things you will find, you never even wanted to know. If you have problems trusting your partner, you should work on those issues and strengthen your trust instead of snooping around to dig up dirt. Think about how you would like it someone snooped in your phone, next time you feel the urge.
1.) DON’T: repeat text
The fastest way to turn-off/irritate someone you’re interested in is to repeat text, text more than twice without getting a response in a sitting. If the person isn’t responding then they are: busy, figuring out plans, away from the phone, or not interested in talking. Instead, if you want to discuss a somewhat urgent matter (when you need a response in the next couple hours) it’s better to call instead of texting. I look at texting as similar to my facebook wall, you can leave a message for someone at any time and they will get back to you when they have time, but you know they will get the message. And you wouldn’t post multiple things back to back on people’s walls so why do it on their phone? Note: texting question marks, especially multiple ones is the most annoying, it doesn’t achieve anything making them pointless. Please avoid this at all costs, unless you want to drive someone very far away!
2.) DO: Call, when it’s important
When you have a complex issue to discuss, it can be annoying to text back and forth for hours. In this case, it is better to call. If you call and someone doesn’t answer it is appropriate to text if you need something from them or wanted to ask them a question. If you called to talk, wait for them to call you back when they become available.
3.) DO: Reply promptly
If you are keeping your options open or trying to figure out plans, don’t leave people hanging. Let them know you will get back to them, and keep your word. Another thing people find annoying is saying you’re going to call back and then not doing it because you got caught up in other things. Don’t say you’ll call back if you don’t want to, say it when you will actually do it.
4.) DO: Wait to Call/Text….but DON’T: wait too long
When you get someone’s number you should wait at least 2 or 3 days to call or text them in order to keep you from looking desperate (unless you’re calling them right away so they have your number). But make sure you call within a week, so they won’t forget who you are, AND so you don’t lose their number (especially when it’s on a business card or something that’s happened to me before). Another time you should wait to call back is when you don’t have much time to talk. It’s vexing when someone calls you back but has to cut you off in the middle of what you’re saying because they are getting on the metro/driving/need to leave/get ready. You can gauge how much people will be on the phone by past phone interactions. As a general rule, women like to talk on the phone for longer than men so I would advise leaving around 30 minutes open for returning a women’s call.
5. ) DON’T: Be Sneaky
If someone isn’t answering you, calling them from a different number or calling their house phone is not appropriate. It will make them think: why can’t this person just leave me alone? Ignoring people’s calls are also rude unless you want to make a bold statement that you don’t want to talk to them. It’s pretty obvious when you reach a voicemail after 2 rings that you were ignored.
6.) DON’T: Leave a voicemail
This is especially directed to girls: men for the most part, find the voicemail system to be a very long, complicated system so they try to avoid it, unless for professional reasons. One guy I know even let his mailbox fill up so now people can’t leave him any. I wouldn’t suggest doing that because you might miss important calls about professional inquiries or emergency situations. Also sometimes, you’re phone might run out of battery or lose service but you might get some messages when you’re phone resumes about things you missed. Try not to leave voicemails to guys because chances are they won’t get it in a timely fashion and whatever you have to say, you could also text. But leaving voicemails would be acceptable to say a significant other. Leave a cute message (about how you miss them, how much they mean to you) that you would want them listening to over and over like the voice recorder in Build-A-Bear, especially if they are traveling and you’re in different time zones. That way they will get your message and be able to save it for the future.
Finally…..and most important:
7.) DON’T: go through other people’s phones
It is considered highly intrusive and nosey to go through someone’s phone. There is a lot of personal texts and maybe pictures that aren’t for everyone’s eyes to see. Ignorance is bliss and most of things you will find, you never even wanted to know. If you have problems trusting your partner, you should work on those issues and strengthen your trust instead of snooping around to dig up dirt. Think about how you would like it someone snooped in your phone, next time you feel the urge.
Miss Independent, That's Why I Love Her
There has been a recent trend evident in songs like “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson, “Sexy Love” by Ne-yo and “I-N-D-E-P-E-D-A-N-T” by Webbie, illustrating the recent shift in the reasons why men value women. I am talking about the recent societal trend in which men have begun to respect women who don’t need them. The cause of this shift may lie in the social trends that have provided women with more economic autonomy from men. These social trends have changed the double standard and liberated women both economically and sexually. Some of these trends include increase in women in the paid labor force, increase in the divorce rate, increase of age at first marriage, and the advent of birth control technology. All these trends combined have led to the liberalization of sexual behaviors and attitudes toward premarital sex and promiscuity for both sexes. In fact, now-a-days people rarely if ever use the word “promiscuous” to judge someone’s sexual behavior, but just fifty years ago this was widely used.
“She got her own house, she got her own car;” now women can afford to support themselves. Because of this, the goal of a romantic relationship has shifted from economical and familial stability to the development of love and emotional support. This is highly beneficial because it subdues the possibility of financial issues causing a rift in your otherwise compatible relationship. As a woman develops her financial stability, she may also notice that she gains more power in her relationship, because, citing John Gray’s Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus: men see achievement in primarily monetary terms while women see it in emotional terms. So in order for your partner to see you as an equal, you must provide for yourself. The same reasoning applies to your emotional side too; you have to be happy on your own in order to add to someone else’s happiness. Little Miss. Independent is a satisfied, happy woman; so she attracts more men and is desirable to date. When a woman is financially secure, the only reason you would date her is because you are attracted to her as a PERSON and you want to spend time with her. Men like feeling appreciated but not needed, Little Miss Independent knows the difference.
Now us, women are able to be more selective when finding our mates because we look for things like complementary needs, social homogeny (being in similar social circles or having similar social interests and habits), propinquity (being close to someone, or having repeated contact with them), value consensus, (male/female) role compatibility, and most importantly love. This is a clear shift from our past held values of fulfilling social, familial, and economic obligations. These ancient values foster set-ups that included the women as the home maker and the man as the bread winner. Now, those familial obligations have moved to the periphery while values such as emotional security and love have begun to take the stage.
It seems that men (well, the men we want) respect independent women because they know what they want, and they know how to get what they want. Attention cougars: men I ask say that a reason they like older women more than younger women is because older women have their life in order. This is a quality guys admire because most of their emotional needs are being met so they’re less of a “burden” to men. Subsequently, relationships can focus more on the love aspect where both partners can be seen as equals. Also, it allows for the couple to stop relying on each other for their emotional stability. Relationships like these have less pressure and are more fun and easy. Relationships shouldn’t be hard and the more expectations you put for men to meet your emotional needs the more it will push them away.
That’s why you have to be your best friend and take action YOURSELF towards the life you want to have. That way, you can relish in your accomplishments even more than if someone helped you. If you surround yourself with friends that can help you through emotional hardships and hang-ups then you may appear more refreshed in your romantic relationships; which, in turn, may cause men to better enjoy your company and help the development of romantic feelings. When you can cater to all your individual needs yourself with the exception of your companionship, sexual and love needs; you are in control of your relationship. All the Samantha Joneses out there reading this are silently nodding, because I think most women can agree that they would rather have the ball in their court instead of the other way around.
“She got her own house, she got her own car;” now women can afford to support themselves. Because of this, the goal of a romantic relationship has shifted from economical and familial stability to the development of love and emotional support. This is highly beneficial because it subdues the possibility of financial issues causing a rift in your otherwise compatible relationship. As a woman develops her financial stability, she may also notice that she gains more power in her relationship, because, citing John Gray’s Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus: men see achievement in primarily monetary terms while women see it in emotional terms. So in order for your partner to see you as an equal, you must provide for yourself. The same reasoning applies to your emotional side too; you have to be happy on your own in order to add to someone else’s happiness. Little Miss. Independent is a satisfied, happy woman; so she attracts more men and is desirable to date. When a woman is financially secure, the only reason you would date her is because you are attracted to her as a PERSON and you want to spend time with her. Men like feeling appreciated but not needed, Little Miss Independent knows the difference.
Now us, women are able to be more selective when finding our mates because we look for things like complementary needs, social homogeny (being in similar social circles or having similar social interests and habits), propinquity (being close to someone, or having repeated contact with them), value consensus, (male/female) role compatibility, and most importantly love. This is a clear shift from our past held values of fulfilling social, familial, and economic obligations. These ancient values foster set-ups that included the women as the home maker and the man as the bread winner. Now, those familial obligations have moved to the periphery while values such as emotional security and love have begun to take the stage.
It seems that men (well, the men we want) respect independent women because they know what they want, and they know how to get what they want. Attention cougars: men I ask say that a reason they like older women more than younger women is because older women have their life in order. This is a quality guys admire because most of their emotional needs are being met so they’re less of a “burden” to men. Subsequently, relationships can focus more on the love aspect where both partners can be seen as equals. Also, it allows for the couple to stop relying on each other for their emotional stability. Relationships like these have less pressure and are more fun and easy. Relationships shouldn’t be hard and the more expectations you put for men to meet your emotional needs the more it will push them away.
That’s why you have to be your best friend and take action YOURSELF towards the life you want to have. That way, you can relish in your accomplishments even more than if someone helped you. If you surround yourself with friends that can help you through emotional hardships and hang-ups then you may appear more refreshed in your romantic relationships; which, in turn, may cause men to better enjoy your company and help the development of romantic feelings. When you can cater to all your individual needs yourself with the exception of your companionship, sexual and love needs; you are in control of your relationship. All the Samantha Joneses out there reading this are silently nodding, because I think most women can agree that they would rather have the ball in their court instead of the other way around.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)