The Dating Clock: Do You Know What Time It Is?

I would first like to dedicate this post to the extremely intelligent and talented future psychologist of America, Irina Tchinia, Not only is she an inspiration to me, I’m so proud to call her my childhood best friend and I hope someday future partner in practice. Thank you Serena for inspiring this blog and I hope many more to come!

Now let me preface this by saying that the Dating Clock is a simple concept meant to help people classify (or I hate this word but still people insist using it, “label”) their dating relationships so as to: clear up confusion, align proper expectations and protect themselves from a broken heart…and if nothing else give you a good laugh or two imagining people in your life and your friends’ lives that fit into each category.

The time range is completely relative, considering people have different kinds of life styles and work different hours. Some people are naturally morning people, others night owls. But generally speaking, these guidelines should help spell out the common dating classifications and help you realize that timing really is everything and that the time you are dating your partner may imply more than you think.

Now for the bad news, getting “In Sync” is really important at the start of a dating relationship no matter which category below you’re in. It’s often hard to strike a timing harmony with the person you’re dating (like a DJ trying to make a mash up of a jazz record and a hard metal track) which may cause the romance to fizzle whether or not you have a strong attraction or compatibility. You can try to combat this making concessions here and there slowly adjusting your schedule if you think the connection is worthwhile. Beware of coxcombs: Make sure you notice their behavior and stop treating them like a priority the moment you notice they treat you like an option.

12:00pm (Noon)  The Lunch Date:

You two are in the pre-hookup phase of your relationship. There’s no commitment. There might be an innocent flirtation, but you’re still trying to feel each other out. It may be a friend or co-worker “friend zoned” until you figure out whether or not, if ever, you want to take them out of the friend zone and into another category.

3:00-5:00pm The Afternoon Delight:

You sneak out of work early occasionally to see them or just text them for a mid day booty call. Typically they opt for quickies, The Afternoon Delight, doesn’t entertain you in deep conversation preferring instead to dash out to their next appointment/engagement (sometimes a formal date unbeknownst to you).

7:00-9:00pm  The Formal Date:

You tend to meet at dinners by candlelight or an elaborately planned excursion. This guy doesn’t hesitate to pull out all the stops and the Benjamins to impress you but deep down he is just looking for someone who doesn’t want his money, but rather the time they can spend together. Maybe you’ve shared a kiss or two but you’re hesitant to take it to the next level because you need more time to decide and often find a reason to skip out ASAP (even faking an emergency call from your BFF if necessary).

Midnight- The Friends With Benefits (FWB):

You’re comfortable enough with each other that you can see each other when you get that feeling and need sexual healing. But can also stay up and recount stories about your weekend and your perspective sexcapades. It’s typical for FWB’s to skip the cuddling and sleep in their perspective beds…or they might sleep over, share a cup of coffee with you and go on their merry way first thing in the morning!

3:00-5:00am The Booty Call:

Maybe you’ve slept with them before, maybe it was last month, maybe it was last year. It could be a one night stand or perhaps a buddy you run into whose circles overlap with yours. You know the possibility of rejection is a harsh reality often causing you to send multiple texts to different people in order to raise your chances. Never a certainty, the booty call often suffers from the closing time effect where they start to worry about who they’ll go home with at the end of the night rather than planning it in the beginning of the night. Just make sure you don’t go to bed with a ten and wake up with a 6!

8:00-11:00am  The Keeper:

He’s the one you wake up with and know you’ll spend the rest of the day together. The one that doesn’t get on your nerves after spending the whole weekend together. At this point you’re probably close to discussing being mutually exclusive or becoming official whether or not you put a label on it or are public with it. Some hopeless romantics may even entertaining thoughts of introducing them to your family or being Facebook official. But don’t fall too fast, a candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long. Click on the video below and read the lyrics to get a more in depth explanation: Rather Be By: Clean Bandit Feat. Jess Glynne. 

Caption: It’s easy being with you, sacred simplicity. As long as we’re together, there’s no place I’de rather be. 

Emotionally Unavailability: What it is, Why It Happens & How to Break the Pattern

           After one too many swipes on Tinder your finger is cramping, and you finally come to the realization that everyone you date is a commitaphobe. You think, “If every person I met wasn’t so emotionally unavailable I would actually find that long lasting relationship I’ve always hoped for right?” WRONG. You probably think the problem can’t be you. You’re the one that’s trying to stay in contact, making the plans, making the effort all in hopes that it will lead to a genuine connection with someone you can mutually love, support, and care for.

Then again your problem is you've unknowingly created a pattern of pursuing/falling for people that are emotionally unavailable, and in that case, this article is for you. For the sake of convenience let’s refer to the emotionally unavailable as “EmoNavi”. You may think the solution is as simple as trying to date different emotionally balanced people or taking yourself off the market but there’s no way around it. 

The only way to stop being attracted to EmoNavi is to work on becoming more Emotionally Balanced yourself. 

And the only way to start becoming more Emotionally Balanced is to recognize why you’re not. I will take you through the characteristics, how to identify the reason for pursuing EmoNavi, and how to break the pattern for good so that you can finally move on, and welcome healthy, new relationships in your life.

It’s just like Mr. Big said on Sex & the City:

 “She can reach me but I can’t get her. Ever!”

Often times when someone is emotionally unavailable, it makes them physically unavailable too. They are constantly tied up with something, unresponsive, or have a wealth of excuses as to why they can’t be there for you. But the EmoNavi won’t flinch to call you or knock on your door if they are in pain or in need of some physical or emotional reassurance for their problems. But note: this can also be a trait of unbridled narcissism along with EmoNavi, perhaps your partner may be a little of both?

Not only are the EmoNavi un-reliable with plans to get together they are wishy washy in their communications as well. Examples of this are: going long periods of time without any communication, trying to track you down through mutual friends instead of contacting you directly, other times EmoNavi may partake in passive communication like chatting, commenting/liking your social media, sending snap chats all to avoid real, direct, communication. Your friends might ask you, “How’s _________” and the only thing you can say is “I have no idea,” that’s a telling sign your partner is EmoNavi.

        Often times, people get tied into these relationship because of patterns that make them attracted to EmoNavis (detailed in the next section), or because we see their potential so we buy into their excuses actually believing them, or it could be both.

Just remember when you give someone a CHANCE, it’s because you really want them to CHANGE.

But you can’t expect anyone to want to change except for themselves, and for that reason the 3 strike rule is a good measure to follow. You need to set the bar on how your partner treats you. If you’re allowing EmoNavi to be distant, act one way in one setting and then be MIA for a week, making the bare minimum effort without so much of an acknowledgement…You’re letting them assign your value, probably lower than you actually deserve. Bottom line: If you’re dating someone who not only doesn’t ask about you but who also doesn’t seem to know what you’re up to on a day-to-day level, well it might be time to reassess the situation.

Reasons for Pursuing/Falling For EmoNavis:

While most dating articles or blogs will not mention this I think my readers should know: If you’re pursuing EmoNavis and continuously fall for them, you are EmoNavi too! Most people who are emotionally balanced and 100% available repel EmoNavis for the most part, due to their confidence armour which doesn’t allow them to feel comfortable in an EmoNavi situation for very long. Important to note though, that some EmoNavi behaviors or red flags may be hard to decode/notice at first but after 3 or 4 dates the emotionally balanced come to find the truth and start running for the hills.

How To Break The Pattern:

By simply stopping and reading this blog up to this point, you are acknowledging awareness that you or someone you know is dealing with the EmoNavi problem, and that is the first step to change. By being open to using some of the suggestions detailed below you will start to internalize these healing mechanisms that will actually help eliminate the codependency patterns you have reinforced. By removing co-dependant habits you will notice an increase self-efficacy, confidence, so that you fall back in love with yourself again. And most importantly, removing EmoNavi habits will make you whole and able to welcome love in your life in a new & healthy way. So what to do? 

Identify a pattern you keep repeating. Some common examples: Rushing into sex too quickly, having a chaotic lifestyle, not dating long enough, falling for someone too fast, avoiding transparency & openness early on in the relationship, or something else you had no idea you were doing (your close friends or family may be able to help you with that). 

Relinquish Your Need to Control. Stop doing the emotional chasing. You don’t have to be right all the time, if you’re partner doesn’t agree with something you want it’s not always about you. Let the powerless feeling sink in, it’s impossible to control your partner without force so be more accepting.

Live by TAO. This is one of my golden rules of relationships, in general, from work to family to romantic relationships and it is particularly applicable in this case in order to build trust with your partner. EmoNavi tend to have difficulties becoming emotionally balanced because they are so hurt and cannot build real, lasting trusting bonds with others. 

T- Transparency: Be forthcoming with what you tell your partner, stressing the importance of communication. Never give your partner a reason to question you. Transparency is perhaps the biggest pillar of trust

A- Acceptance: Be accepting of all of your partners past, present, and future worries especially when it comes to their ex, family/work issue or whatever else is making them EmoNavi. Knowing that they have your unconditional love and support can help them heal their emotional wounds just like putting Neosporin and a Band-Aid would heal a flesh wound.

O- Openness: Answer all questions or worries, help them feel reassured. It’s when you don’t think of holding anything back or hiding anything about what you do or feel to your partner. 

Keep in mind, that you don't need to change everything about yourself- you just need to switch your focus. Specifically, you need to switch from focusing your energy into obtaining EmoNavi’s affection to focusing on your own personal and emotional needs. Focus your time and energy on the friends and family members that you trust, instead of channeling most of your energy on EmoNavi. Outline where you want to be and where you think you are now. Notice that your need for affection and intimacy will not make or break you. Once you cherish yourself everyone will see your light shine from the inside out and when you least expect it, someone amazing might stroll into your life... just make sure your shoes are shined!