Say No To Self-Doubt

Have you or any one you know ever felt suspicious that your partner may be interested in someone else? Have you ever accused your significant other for cheating without any proof just because you have a feeling? Or has a partner ever acted dishonest and made you question their loyalty even when everything between you was going great? I can almost guarantee this has happened to you before or at least you have had friends dealing with these types of issues. Have you ever thought that the root of these feelings could be low self esteem?

I recently learned about a psychological theory of self-esteem called the “Sociometer Theory” proposed by a Dr. Leary in 2006 in my Couple’s Relationships Class. It basically states that the quality of your relationships with others affects your self-esteem because when others like you, you like yourself. This makes self-esteem a psychological gauge that alerts you of increasing/declining acceptance by others which can make you like yourself more or less respectively. Women generally have higher levels of feminine (expressive) traits and lower levels of masculine (instrumental) traits, while not in all cases. But masculine traits make people feel competent and effective so naturally having low levels of this trait while making you more emotionally expressive and compassionate, can make you feel more reliant and less able to problem solve thereby lowering your self-esteem. So don’t fret, it’s in women’s nature to feel this way, that’s why the most happy and well-adjusted men and woman have a both instrumental and expressive traits. Just knowing that we are biologically more likely to feel this way makes one feel better about themselves and more able to be proactive to change their self-esteem. 

People with low self-esteems tend to sabotage relationships by: perceiving disregard when it doesn’t exist, being pessimistic that love will last, distancing themselves, and reacting more strongly to their partners’ faults compared to people with high self-esteems who don’t have these subconsciously sabotaging tendencies. Hmm this sounds all too familiar to me because I have dealt with dozens of girls that have sabotaged their relationships unknowingly one way or another. People with high self-esteem are confident of their partners’ love and regard for them so they draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. We take risks when we are in relationships because we have to depend on others. People with low self-esteems are fearful of rejection and hurt because of self-doubt so they withdraw from partners in times of difficulty in order to protect their ego. This is a very important effect of self-esteem because a marked quality of a good relationship is working through your problems by communicating effectively together, this doesn’t happen when a partner with low-esteem withdraws.

But what I realized about this theory is that it goes both ways, not only can you read the gauge, but you can use the knowledge of the gauge to improve your self-esteem by improving your relationships with others. So do what I tell all my friends to do, “fake it until you make it.” Referring to my favorite book, Why Men Love Bitches, the easiest way to draw all your partner’s attention to a possible threat is by acknowledging it and acting intimidated by them; this will make them look 5 times hotter. The better route is being secure in yourself and knowing how amazing and special you are so that your partner feels that much more happy to have you; and an added bonus is it will prevent your partner from straying. Just knowing that low self-esteem causes behaviors that ruin relationships can help you prevent from engaging in them, thereby strengthening your relationship and your self-esteem. Win-win right?

Hooking Up in Sex and the City

I wrote this for my colleague, Rachel Russo's blog who is another aspiring psychologist's blog called the It Girl Blog. This is month she is having Sex and the City Theme Month check it out at: www.loverachelrussomft.com

One of the reasons why Sex and the City created such a buzz and generated such a loyal and devoted following was because it was the first show to introduce and even glorify the hook-up culture. People were introduced to this shift in our dating culture. A combination of events in the past 50 years have led to this new cultural embracement of hooking up (social phenomena). The advent of the birth control pill led to the promiscuity of the 70’s; and now people are getting married later. The average age that people marry is 26 for women and 27 for men, so now it is more and more acceptable to be intimate with a person if you’re not married or exclusive. Hooking up is a very broad term, as I’ve found when trying to pin down the exact definition on urbandictonary.com. But the hooking up I’m talking about is the practice of engaging in sexual relations (all the way from kissing to sex) without a commitment or sense of exclusivity.

The Characters of SATC, especially Samantha Jones, glorified hooking up and made women feel more accepted doing it. They showed that hooking up isn’t slutty, but rather being confident in exuding your sexuality. Samantha can definitely hold her own in her male-dominated PR field and as she climbed up the corporate ladder she showed us that being assertive can get you what you want. as she climbed up the corporate ladder. Samantha was never concerned with what other people thought, as she always came first, even at the end when she chose herself over her boyfriend, Smith Jared. Independence and self-confidence embody the hook-up culture because they allow women to see that it’s okay to satisfy their every need and desire whether it be physically, emotionally, romantically, socially, or professionally. This shift? may be this is the after-effect of the women’s rights movement.

While SATC had an undeniable influence on our society’s perception of sex and the loosening up on relationship norms, it created the greater acceptance of the independent (single)women lifestyle. So what’s next? I definitely have been noticing a narrowing of the double standard. My Couple’s Relationships teacher, Professor Rubin, recently mentioned in my Couple’s Relationships class that only 60% of men and 41% of women 50 years ago (65 and over) had sexual relations before the age of 18. But now, 91% of men ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18 and 83% of women ages 18-26 have had sexual relations by the age of 18. That is a significant 35% increase in just 50 years! These changes really reflect our societal expectations. Our societal restrictions have been loosened, making hooking up more acceptable. I have been living and learning from the stories of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte and if they taught me anything it’s that hooking up is okay and it can help me on my way to finding love.