How to Fight Fair

The ultimate goal of fighting is conflict resolution. To do this effectively you must make it a discussion and avoid getting emotional, angry or defensive. When people get emotional in arguments, someone ends up feeling like they’re not being heard and you can end up creating more problems. We all yearn for validation, recognition and respect so you can’t be defensive. The key to fighting fair is saying what you mean and hopefully the following tips can help.

The best possible tips I can suggest is using behavior descriptions and XYZ statements. I guarantee it will SIGNIFICANTLY improve most communication struggles and relationship issues. If you take away one idea from this post, make it this and use it always to diffuse negativity in arguments. Make sure you identify specifically what bothered you and make sure to focus on discrete, manageable behaviors that can be readily changed vs. attacking your partner’s character. An XYZ statement is “When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z” make sure you use the past tense and avoid things like “you never” or “you always”.

1. Gather all possible info.
Don’t make any accusations or assumptions. As a general guideline only talk about things that are concrete, not open-ended. And there’s no disagreement about someone’s feelings- they are facts. You can’t argue that your partner feels a certain way.

2. Set time limit for good intentions.
I know this one might not sound practical but just have a general idea of how long you will talk BEFORE you start the conversation. Usually, people get emotional about 15 or 20 minutes in so you should try to make your argument about that long. It may be helpful to talk during a show (from one commercial break to the next) or while your putting the dishes/laundry away. Distracting yourself by doing a task while you’re talking will prevent you from getting into a heated argument but make sure you’re being sensitive to what your partner is saying. Some people that are married find that having a scheduled time to air out issues works best for them but make sure you don't bottle up your feelings and talk about issues in a timely fashion.

3. Focus on the issue NOT past problems.
Time and time again I hear from friends that they have the same argument over and over. This isn’t productive the point of a fight is conflict resolution, if you fight about the same things you failed at resolving conflict. You must figure out something to do about and then drop the issue. Don’t bring up past conflicts into new arguments, constantly holding something against someone will make them feel attacked and again prompt them to protect their self-image and be defensive.

4. Don’t try to change something that is impossible to change.
You have to be realistic some things about people are at the core of their personality or are things they really like about themselves which you can’t change.

5. Don’t start a fight that can’t be finished.
If you know you don’t have much time to chat, you should “plan” a better time to do so. Your partner wants to be validated and recognized so show you care about what they have to say. People are more likely to argue when they are hungry or tired so avoid a bad situation by picking a better time. Wanting to be able and ready for a discussion also shows you respect your partner.

6. Argue in private.
If you have an issue magnifying it by bringing it up in public will only make it worst. It’s damaging to someone’s ego to be yelled at and it’s especially demeaning to guys. Plus, airing out your grievances in public just makes you look less solid as a couple.
7. If both parties participate.
This is self-explanatory, don’t ignore your partner or walk away it takes 2 to tango. Unhappy couples don’t hear each other and barely check understanding.

8. Be aware of your body language
When people fight sometimes they have the tendency to show aggressive body language, which puts others on the defensive. That’s what we want to avoid. Doing things like turning away, leaning back, averting your gaze, being less animated while talking, and having a less pleasant facial expression can give the impression that you don’t care and may leave your partner hurt. Obviously it’s hard to control for all these things but just be aware of the non-verbal signals you’re sending. Also, when people get angry they tend to clench their fists or breath heavily. Taking some (6) deep breaths will help because it lowers your heart rate and you need a fast heart rate to be angry.

9. Identify realistic goals.
This goes along with identifying specific behaviors. You must come up with a solution to the problem that you both are happy with. Some issues are deep rooted in your partner’s personality and may signify incompatibility, you should recognize these issues early and know they can’t be changed. The best solution is usually a compromise.

Avoid:
• Mind-reading: wrongly assuming you know what your partner is saying INSTEAD engage in active listening by para-phrasing what they said to check understanding. It shows that you care about understanding how they feel and are willing to work it out. People that perceive unpleasant motives are more unhappy in their relationships.

• Interrupting: Respect your partner by hearing out what they have to say

• Cross-complaining: This is when you respond to a complaint with another (sometimes even unrelated) complaint. Instead rephrase the complaint and ask the person how they felt for calmer discussion.

• Off beam Wandering: Happens when you don’t stay on a problem long enough to resolve it, usually bringing up another problem. To avoid this try talking out one issue at a time.

• Criticism & Contempt: attack your partner’s personality and character and shows aggressiveness and disrespect. Includes insults, mockery and hostile humor

• Defensiveness: When people prevent themselves from unreasonable attack. It doesn’t address the problem and when fighting the RIGHT way, this isn’t present.

• Stone walling: Withdrawing into silence or ignoring your partner.

• Belligerence: Is destructive, aggressive and rejecting. Instead be respectful and polite

• Crying: It shifts the blame from the actual issue. If you get to this point, you failed at controlling your emotions which is essential for conflict resolution and you will leave your partner feeling more angry or guilty and doesn’t solve the problem in any way.

But DO: say what you mean without attacking
• Stay polite and cool: Avoiding the temptation to act hostile towards your partner by sending clear messages and listening better

• Sarcastic people should establish a "non-sarcastic self" in disagreements, making snide, funny remarks will add insult to injury in fights and may appear insensitive. There is a time and place to joke around and fighting is not one of them.

• I statements: describe how you feel instead of attacking your partner for something.

• The power of respect and recognition: It can make disagreements more tolerable.

The Nesting Weight Phenomena

Some of my friends have expressed their concerns about nesting weight, a phenomena that happens once you’re comfortable and settled in a relationship. I noticed this is very common for women and men but why does it happen? The importance of looks are undeniably related to attraction and interest at the start of a relationship so why is it that we would let our looks wither possibly forfeiting that initial attraction? I gained some insight on the issue studying for my interpersonal relationships midterm. Note that the main reason for husband marital dissatisfaction and a big cause of divorce is because the wife “let herself go”. Looks are more important to men in relationships from an evolutionary standpoint while power and resources are most important to women so it makes sense that it would bother men more than women. It also makes sense that since it’s not as big of a concern for women that they would fall prey to this happening.

Well this seems to be common, in fact most people put on weight after they get married, and it happens to both partners. In close relationships, we tend to go to less trouble to maintain favorable images of ourselves to our intimate partner than others. This is because we already know our friends and lovers like us and there is less we can do to change their deep rooted opinions of us. This relates to looks because we give our partners the benefit of the doubt that they wouldn’t care about superficial things such as looks. This can be a good thing because it shows we are very comfortable with our partner but it can be bad because it causes “un-attraction”.

We are motivated to pay attention to our looks when we’re single and trying to attract a mate but it seems after we have one, there is no longer a purpose of maintaining our appearance unless it’s for our own well being. But more importantly it’s necessary in order to preserve the relationship. Noting your partner’s lifestyle can help you predict the likelihood of this happening- if it’s important to you.

Also if it’s important to you, your partner should care enough to make you happy by maintaining their appearance. But your lifestyle can also rub off on your partner and visa versa, so with this issue it’s best to practice what you preach and lead by example. If you make healthy dinners and encourage exercise obviously your partner will follow suit. We usually pair off with people that are similar attractiveness as us so if your partner is bulking up/slimming down you tend to naturally mimic them. But, correcting the nesting weight together can bring you even closer, not to mention the sexual benefits that come from it. Because after all, the couples that gains/losses weight stays together.